DANNY Dyer has been appointed Minister for Not Getting Mugged Right off like a Right Little Mug, it has been confirmed.
Dyer, whose political career began when he highlighted that David Cameron is a twat, has been recruited by the government to help tackle the rising tide of mugs, arseholes and bellends.
Dyer said: “I don’t know a lot of the politics and all that but what I do know about is not getting mugged off.
“Whether it’s the old bill or some local muppet who thinks he’s having a right giraffe about the apples and pears, I ain’t having it.
“Like my first job today was to call all these Brexit geezers and be like, ‘Listen, mush, we’re all getting sick and bleedin’ tired of all this fannying about, alright.'”
He added: “Also I’m playing a funky house DJ set at Club Deluxe in Warwick tonight, bell me if you want guest list.”