SCOTLAND’S new away kit represents the country’s tradition of producing sensitive indie music for delicate manchildren, the SFA has confirmed.
The strip, to be worn when they face Haiti, Morocco and Brazil in this summer’s World Cup, was launched today to a fanfare of jangly guitar and a maudlin rendition of Lloyd, I’m Ready To Be Heartbroken by Camera Obscura.
As well as the pinstriped pink shirt with a fey thistle motif, the Scottish squad will be issued with anoraks, thick-rimmed glasses held together with tape and a dream journal each.
A spokesman said: “From The Pastels to BMX Bandits to Belle & Sebastian, Scotland has long been a global leader in wistful disappointment thanks to a natural abundance of sexless, pasty-faced introverts.
“This kit stands for being obsessed with a girl who doesn’t know you exist, walking through rain feeling melancholy but strangely uplifted, and writing excruciating love poetry well into your 20s. That’s the energy we’re taking to the world cup.
“We’ll show the world what to expect from a nation that gave the world Teenage Fanclub, Dogs Die In Hot Cars and Pat Nevin.”
The shirt, available in sizes from S to XXXS, is made of high-tech microfibers that absorb, reflect and magnify the wearers’ crippling self-doubt.
Ideally viewed in Kelvingrove Park in early autumn sunshine, Adidas has reassured fans it can also be enjoyed through the viewfinder of a Super 8 camera.
Self-described Bowlie kid Will McKay said: “It’s not knitted, which is ridiculous. Frankly I preferred their earlier stuff.”
