Subscribe

Padel: the new veganism?

PADEL is the sport slash cult sweeping middle-class Britain, but could it really be so irritating it takes over from veganism? We compare: 

Mentioned in first five minutes: check

Just as navigating any conversation past the rock of veganism was once impossible, now it’s padel. Regardless whether you’re discussing politics, the weather or this year’s Strictly line-up being weaker than homeopathic piss, within less than 300 seconds it’ll be about padel. Apparently it gives Cach Mercer an advantage.

Confers aura of superiority: check

Like veganism, padel is more than it seems. You thought it was a diet/bat and ball game? It’s so much more than that. Padel is a way of life, perhaps the way of life, that delivers physical perfection, mental calm and ultimately, its adherents hint, immortality.

Supersedes all previous convictions: check

Pickleball? A game for children and Americans, now wisely put away. Peloton? A mere lockdown infatuation. Podcasts? A waste of one’s precious life, especially when nobody listens to yours. Veganism? Ultimately unsustainable in a world of bacon and Brie. Padel? The path, the light, the sum of all human happiness. You play?

Follows arcane rules no outsiders understand: check

The rules of padel? Ah, the rules of padel. Yes, I’m glad you asked that. The rules. Ultimately you’ve really got to actually play padel to understand it, like I do, so it would be pointless to explain them like it was pointless explaining how cutting animal products from my diet would make me eternally virtuous. You have to feel it.

Not actually even that good: check

Isn’t it just tennis? No, definitely not, even if it shares a court, the bulk its of rules and a scoring system. No, padel is so much better than mere tennis, much as veganism was superior to vegetarianism until it got boring. Padel is a quantum leap beyond mere sports. It’s actually saved our marriage. What do you mean, you tried it and it was shite?

Will soon be dropped like pulled pork: not quite yet

There’s no way the preachers of padel will move on, absolutely none. You’re saying that because you’re jealous. Yes, we have moved on from our previous obsessions with street food, Secret Cinema, cocktails, microdosing, Union Berlin and paddleboarding but padel is different. You just wait and see if it isn’t.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Ed Davey solemnly ziplines into Lib Dem party conference

AWARE of his precarious position within his party, Liberal Democrat leader Ed Davey has soberly ziplined onto the conference stage without applause. 

Conscious that members are openly questioning his leadership skills, Davey arrived at the Liberal Democrat conference in Brighton ready to take on the big issues and unafraid to make difficult arguments, while dangling from a zipwire obviously.

Davey said: “My political future is at stake. I’ve left the inflatable unicorn at home, along with the light-up bowtie which turns into a drone and flies around the room.

“The Lib Dems need to get their act together. The era of two-party politics is over, but the media doesn’t treat us as if we have 14 times as many members as Reform. This zipline entrance is the entrance of a new, hard-hitting Ed.

“Could I have arrived by walking? Think of the optics. We can’t be seen to U-turn on our key policy of ceaselessly indulging in childish gimmicks to get media attention. The pogo stick will come out at some point, rest assured.

“But for now it’s a new Ed Davey. An Ed Davey the country has no choice but to take seriously. An Ed Davey who, unlike other politicians, rides a 220ft zipline with nary a whoop.”

Party member Donna Sheridan said: “Now other parties won’t mock us. Especially when Ed announces our new position on trans rights by opening his flies and firing a blue, pink and silver glitter cannon from his crotch.”

Next story ›