People who couldn't give a f**k about tennis delighted Djokovic lost

ORDINARY people who do not give the slightest bugger about tennis are nonetheless rejoicing in Djokovic’s dramatic loss yesterday. 

The pantomime villain was deprived of some record or other by a younger challenger who will only be remembered for f**king up that prick’s march to glory and not before time.

Nathan Muir of Hereford, who only saw the Australian Open in round-ups on the news, said: “Hah. That’ll show the bastard.

“I didn’t mind Federer or Nadal’s epic rivalry, which I accidentally read about once, and obviously Andy Murray I liked because he was British. Did he win it one time or two?

“But Djokovic’s one of those rare characters who’s so dislikeable he’s transcended his sport. The anti-vaxx stuff, the personality, and hailing from the country responsible for Europe’s most recent genocides all adds up.

“So hearing he got thrashed in the semis was one of those great sporting moments which brings everyone together. I wish I could have seen his face, but I don’t watch tennis.”

Muir added: “God, I hope he doesn’t use this as motivation to pick himself up and come back even stronger. He’s exactly that sort of twat.”

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'Arts degrees. Obviously I mean arts degrees,' says Sunak

RISHI Sunak has confirmed that when he refers to low-value, rip-off degrees, he does indeed mean anything concerning the arts. 

For the avoidance of doubt, the prime minister has clarified that poor-quality university courses are those which wrestle with the complexities of the human experience and do not require maths A-level.

He said: “We’ve got AI to do all the arty-farty stuff like drawing and writing. This means you’re free to do valuable and thrilling degrees like chemical engineering.

“Limiting student numbers in the arts is in everyone’s best interests. There’s no money in pursuing your dreams and talents when you’re not starting out rich. You’re better off filing your creative aspirations away in the bin where they belong.

“My vision is for everyone who isn’t in the top one per cent to conflate education with profit while studying in STEM. A nation of number-crunching, Tory-voting factotums making us a technology hub for the globe while lefties with English degrees sicken and die.

“At the weekend you can go to the cinema and watch a piece of content made by an algorithm. If that sounds bad, look at the numbers that have pre-booked for Barbie.” 

He added: “History of Art degrees will continue, as they’re for the posh, as will Philosophy, Politics and Economics lest Britain be deprived of talents like myself and Liz Truss.”