People who don’t like cricket are wrong, say experts

TEST cricket is brilliant and if you disagree you are less than a buffoon, according to experts.

As the Ashes became as exciting as smoking crack in a suit doused in petrol during a high-speed car chase, anyone bemoaning the lack of action in cricket will be forced into a re-education camp.

Cricketologist Wayne Hayes said: “You can get arseholed whilst watching it, it’s officially not allowed to be played when the weather is terrible and yesterday pissed off the entire continent of Australia.

“If all of that isn’t enough for you then you’re operating on a level of jaded I can’t actually comprehend.”

Anyone continuing to doubt test cricket is the pinnacle of mankind’s achievement will be sent footage of Viv Richards in action and given seven days to suggest anybody with half the amount of suave.

They will then be forced to watch footballers acting the giddy arsehole for eight hours straight, to see how it compares to watching a test side actually do a day’s work.

Former football fan Roy Hobbs said: “I used to dismiss cricket as being for old men, but then I realised what I was actually saying was it had a bit of dignity about it and didn’t require the attention span of a mayfly. So from now on other sports can kiss my cork-centred, leather-bound balls.”

“But Geoff Boycott can still sod off, obviously.”

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JK Rowling recorded two dubstep albums as Burial

HARRY Potter author JK Rowling has been revealed as the enigmatic dubstep producer Burial.

Rowling recorded two albums of gritty, introspective dubstep under the name Burial while also writing the Harry Potter books. She was nominated for a Mercury Music Award but did not turn up.

Rowling said: “I just hear beats in my head all the time. Bom-ka bom-ka, bom-ka bom-ka, bom-ka, like that.”

She added: “I only wrote Harry Potter because I was trying to get enough money together for studio equipment and a better laptop. The studio I’ve got now is insanely pimped out. It’s in my house so I can smoke in it and everything.”

Raver Nikki Hollis said: “I was certain I saw JK Rowling DJing at a Dalston warehouse party in 2011.

“She had her hooded top pulled right up but you could see it was her, the police turned up to bust the party but she gave them £8 million in cash, just out of her pocket, to go away.

“I was like, ‘Are you JK Rowling?’ and she replied ‘No, you’re just off your head, go and dance’.”

54-year-old Harry Potter fan Stephen Malley said: “As a Rowling completist, the diversity of her career is getting exhausting. I already had to wade through The Casual Vacancy, now I’ve got to stay up all night at raves, taking drugs and ruining my hearing.”