Rowing, and four other sports for wankers

IN most situations it’s unfair to generalise about people. However, if you meet someone who does one of these sports, it’s safe to assume they’re a massive bellend:

Dressage

If your biggest worry is whether your horse can trot sideways elegantly enough, most people will find you very hard to relate to. Dancing is usually seen as a fun activity for doing with humans, rather than animals, so be prepared for people to judge you as a posh weirdo with more money than sense.

Rowing

Congratulations, you’ve decided to dedicate yourself to a sport that involves getting up at 5am every morning. You’ve given up ever having a lie-in for the chance to spend your leisure time freezing in a boat with a bunch of other privately educated pricks while being yelled at by someone called a coxswain. Brilliant.

Sailing

If you’re looking for a way to be massively elitist and highlight the fact that you’ve got thousands of spare quid to piss away, then sailing is the hobby for you. When you’re not out on the waves, you can enjoy mending your halyard and chatting to other idiots in red chinos and deck shoes about the next regatta you’re attending.

Polo

Polo is basically a posher version of croquet for people who can spunk a fortune on owning a horse. And what’s all that money for? Being bounced around a muddy field with eight people, most of whom are called Rupert or Mungo, while you smash at each other with mallets.

Quidditch

A sport for people who are fundamentally unable to face the real world. Rather than enjoying any of the dozens of real sports available, you’ve instead decided to spend your weekends twatting about in a park on a broom yelling about a snitch and looking like an absolute wanker.

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Man to forget horrors of real world with nine-hour Call of Duty session

A MAN is to escape from the relentless coverage of war in Ukraine with a nine-hour session on Call of Duty: Modern Warfare.

Tom Logan, sickened by the senseless bloodshed on the news, admitted he cannot take any more harsh reality and needs to chill out with some harmless entertainment.

He said: “It’s horrible how powerless you feel in the face of something like this. So forgive me, but I’m dedicating today to escapism.

“The game’s a couple of years old now so it’s a little out of date, but the central campaign about Urzikistan rebels battling Russian invaders still holds up. It’s just fun.

“Though mainly I’m playing online, forming alliances with other players from across the world in a no-holds-barred battle for survival. I like the Hovec Sawmill map best. It’s this kind of generic Eastern European setting.

“You have some good chats with other players. There’s a new Modern Warfare out later this year, and we were speculating on what the story might be. Who knows where they will get their inspiration from?”

He added: “Someone was recommending one of these realistic story-type games, but I don’t play games to do stuff you could do in real life. I want to get away from all that into something completely imaginary.”

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