LIFE an unpredictable nightmare at the moment? Here’s how it was superior when an entire simulated neighbourhood were your playthings:
You could design your own face
A typical session of The Sims began with several hours crafting the perfect avatar of yourself rather than actually playing the game, because being able to choose your own face is a pleasure that never gets old. And nobody killed your buzz by saying things like ‘Actually, your nose is way bigger than that’.
Home ownership was a piece of piss
It set a generation up for disappointment, but life peaked when you bought a two-bed house for 12,000 Simoleons. Insufficient funds for a mansion, using the cheat code ‘motherlode’ gave you the money instantly. If an attempt at making a toaster pastry burned the whole thing to a crisp and left the kitchen haunted by the ghost of your wife? You could just build another.
Have enemies? Destroy them
Four words: remove the pool ladder. They’ll be collected by the Grim Reaper in minutes, and you get to watch and enjoy their slow, miserable deaths. There’s no prison in The Sims, and therefore your pointless cruelty has no repercussions. Forget Buddhism, this is the path to true inner peace.
You could fast-forward through the workday
The Sims gave children unrealistic expectations for the nine-to-five. Pick the highest paid job, wait for the carpool, then watch the working day whizz past in about 45 seconds. Young people aren’t lazy, they’ve just grown up with an ‘accelerate time’ button and understandably find real life lacking without one.
Love is forcing two people to hang out
Want to begin a relationship? Simply force two Sims to spend time together, no matter how reluctant, and eventually they’ll become friends then lovers. Is this how it works in real life? F**k no. Is real life all the worse for it? Of course.
Whatever happened, you could reset and start over
Kids abducted by aliens? Accidentally built your house on a volcano? Toilet broken and your Sim falling asleep in a pool of piss? It wasn’t a problem in this delightful, consequence-free world. You could just log off without saving and everything was perfectly reset, ready to f**k up all over again.