A lock-in and other things you don't want to experience in a rough pub

REALISED you’re drinking in a rough pub? Cross your fingers that none of these unfortunate events happen.

A fight

You wouldn’t even be able to hold your own in a minor argument in a gentrified gastropub, let alone a bare knuckle brawl in a rough pub. Forget about going home in an ambulance, you’ll be going to the morgue in a bludgeoned heap. And all because you stupidly asked the barmaid if they serve lattes.

A lock-in

Having a drink in a rough pub is dangerous enough when the exits are open and you’ve got several escape routes. Imagine how terrified you’d be if the landlord shut the doors, put the bolts on, and invited you to hang out with the surly regulars. It’d be like enduring a couple of rounds in a cage fight.

A trip to the bathroom

You’ll have to visit the bathroom at some point, even though the toilet in a rough pub is so disgusting and scary that you’d rather piss in the street. However, you can get arrested for that, so you’ll have to grin and bear it and pretend to yourself that the crime scene investigation tape is part of the decor.

A conversation

These are not your people. These are rough pub people. Anything you try to say to them will be misconstrued as an insult or a challenge. Even your pathetic pleas asking them to spare your face will be interpreted as an insult against their mother. You’re best off remaining completely silent for the duration of your stay.

Having a pint

Even the most basic of pub activities like buying a pint will put your life at risk. First you have to wait at the bar with aggressive patrons, then you have to order a drink that won’t get you lynched, so anything apart from lager is off-limits. And be careful carrying your drink back to your table as even lightly brushing past a regular will have you accused of spilling their pint and into a Begbie-style glassing nightmare within seconds.

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Parents announce f**k you, they're getting a campervan

YOUR retired parents have announced they are not keeping their savings for you to inherit but are blowing the lot on a campervan. 

The couple have explained that the money, which could be lent to you for a deposit on a house, is instead going to be spent on a top-of-the-range campervan in which they will visit places like Anglesey and Cromer.

Your dad explained: “Brian and Lindsey have got one, you see, and they have a fine old time. Keswick one week and Gatehouse of Fleet the next. So we thought, why not?

“It’s got all your creature comforts in – there’s even a wine fridge – and the beds are surprisingly comfortable. We’ll have our bits and pieces with us and it’ll stop your mum worrying the hotel’s not been cleaned to her standards.

“We’ll be having a fine little time beetling around the country while you work in your job. Which would you rather have, an inheritance, or your mum and dad living their sunset years in style?

“If you like we’ll print you an itinerary before we go on our summer trip so you can come and meet us for a weekend. You’ll have to bring your tent though, there’s only room in it for us and the dog!”

He added: “Can you borrow it for Glastonbury? Piss off.”