Scotland to get a tennis court

SCOTLAND is to get its first tennis court in recognition of Andy Murray’s achievements.

Dubbed the Glasgow Tennis Court, first minister Alex Salmond has promised to equip the facility with two racquets and up to six balls.

He said: “This tennis field, or ‘court’ as I believe they are called by experts, is a recognition of the fact that playing non-violent sports is no longer a betrayal of our national identity.

“Scotland’s up-and-coming tennis talent will be able to book it for up to 45 minutes at a time, the keys are in the nearby chip shop.”

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Britain only capable of emotions when there is a ball involved

BRITISH people cannot feel emotion unless they are looking at a small spherical object, it has emerged.

As the nation prepares to invest a year’s worth of passion into an afternoon of tennis, experts have claimed it is all about Britain’s ball fixation.

Psychologist Mary Fisher said: “I performed an experiment in which a group of Britons was shown footage of war, death and famine. There was zero emotional response, if fact they just sat there eating Pringles.

“Then I showed then a variety of balls – football, tennis and cricket.

“Just balls, on a chair.

“They began cheering and whooping. Several of them burst into tears and one large man tried to punch me.”

Fisher explained her ‘ball theory’: “Britain has been so into sport for so long that it has evolved a powerful emotional response to small spherical things.

“Everyone’s looking forward to this afternoon’s tennis, not realising they’d enjoy it just as much if there were no players and the court was just filled with spongy balls, like a children’s soft play area, with the occasional pigeon landing on them.”