Concept of numbers explained to Poyet

SUNDERLAND manager Gustavo Poyet has learned the meaning of numbers like 32, three and a half, and 80,000, one day too late.

Club officials explained the abstract mathematical objects after Poyet agreed to pay Jermain Defoe 14 million pounds until 2018, figures that Poyet came up with because he liked how they felt when he said them.

A Sunderland spokesman said: “Gus could drop numbers into conversation like he knew what they meant, but to him they were just meaningless floating signifiers. He’s like a human fruit machine.”

“With hindsight, we should have guessed he was winging it when I asked him how many sugars he wanted and he said ‘nine million’.”

Poyet welcomed his new-found understanding of integers, fractions, and basic adding up.

He said: “I now know the meaning of numbers like one, which is the number of league goals Jermain scored last season, and 32, which is Jermain’s age in years, and 600, which is how many pounds I once paid for a Twix.”

There is still a possibility that the deal may fall through when the concept of Sunderland is explained to Jermain Defoe.


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Thundersnow heralds the coming of the Ninth Demon, admits Met Office

THUNDERSNOW has opened a portal to hell and released the dreaded Ninth Demon, the Met Office has finally admitted.

The UK weather forecaster said that according to its 11th Century manuscripts the demon will be formed from flakes of electrified snow mixed with airplane exhaust fumes and clouds of ancient, evil magic.

Weather forecaster Carol Kirkwood said: “The Ninth Demon is not as bad as the Fourth Demon but much, much worse than the Seventh.

“It will become fully formed just after lunch at which point it will start eating large numbers of people in the West Midlands, before enslaving the women and children of Somerset.

“We have a yellow weather warning in operation which means ‘don’t drive anywhere ever again because of the massive demon’.

“These conditions are likely to last until the government fires a nuclear missile at the demon, or we find a volunteer who is wiling to be sacrificed on the special Met Office altar we have on the roof.”