Adebayor to bring starving child to contract negotiations

EMMANUEL Adebayor will ask Harry Redknapp to tell a Togolese orphan that his wage demands are unreasonable.

The somnambulant striker, on loan from Manchester City after their dressing room was condemned by the local council for overcrowding, donates a large amount of his wages to African charities leaving him to  survive on a meagre fortune.

Adebayor now hopes to make his loan deal permanent by clicking his fingers during talks to signify yet another malnutrition-related death.

His agent Bill McKay said: “Rather than trying to get my client a new skankatorium in his basement I thought I would try the much easier sell of stopping child poverty in a particularly war-torn part of central Africa.

“We’ve got nine year-old Mamadou on standby at Lomé International Airport to fly over and look sad sat next to Emmanuel throughout the meeting. Hopefully his stomach will rumble. Wouldn’t that be great?”

Adebayor has impressed during his initial four months at Spurs by not going on strike or falling asleep during a match.

Some of his performances have even helped propel the club to the position where they will not win the league again this season, but by a smaller margin than for some time.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Mars rover is new must-have middle class car

NASA’S redesigned Mars rover is the new status symbol for middle class Britain.

The six-wheeled space buggy, dubbed ‘Curiosity’, is the first vehicle of its kind to be made available to the everyday wealthy.

It features a laser capable of vaporising rocks, oncoming traffic and the people formerly knows as a ‘chavs’. Meanwhile its insane cost and astonishing inefficiency have made it the first major middle class vehicle fad since Range Rovers became too ‘Guy Ritchie’.

West London-based architect Emma Bradford said: “I’m going to convert the spare bedroom into a kind of mission control, with banks of monitors allowing me to chart the buggy’s movements as it takes my children to school.”

Graphic designer Tom Logan said: “You never know when you might have to drive to an alien planet to collect rock samples.”

An extensive television advertising campaign for Curiosity will show the vehicle trundling across the surface of Mars while attractive Martian women give it admiring glances and wave their tentacles appreciatively.

Director Stephen Malley said: “It’s not the fastest and frankly it looks like a shitter version of the 80s toy Big Trak, so we relied heavily on fast cuts and loud ‘dad rock’ music.

“But something this expensive and inefficient should sell itself. Plus, the new Bond will feature Daniel Craig driving one into a massive, vagina-esque crater.”