ENGLAND’S rugby union squad is full of English people, according to leaked documents.
Statements taken from players after last month’s world cup showed that everyone hated everyone else, nobody really knew what they were doing and they were usually drunk while they were doing it.
The interviews also revealed that, like most people in England, the squad had absolutely no interest in the tournament.
Rugbologist Wayne Hayes said: “Apart from the fact they have heads like partially-melted bowling balls wearing a carpet tile, you could be reading a manager’s appraisal of the person sat next to you at work.
“The whole campaign mirrored exactly what you’d expect when a load of English blokes go abroad. Meticulous planning that’s immediately ignored as soon as the plane hits the tarmac and at least one of them getting into trouble with his missus for motorboating a skank.”
The Rugby Football Union is investigating how the report was leaked but admits that, because its staff are English, somebody probably left their computer unlocked during a 45-minute cigarette break or left it on a bus.
They are eager to restore the image of rugby players as seven-foot celibate philosopher kings who pursue their sport to enrich the sum of human understanding, rather than men who were too stupid to do cricket at school.
But Hayes said the revelation that England’s rugby players are just like the rest of us but with thicker necks could make the sport more accessible to people who are not called ‘Ollie’.
He added: “Going on an important business trip, pissing the expense account up the wall and jumping off things for a bet is as English as not winning anything.”