Leveson Inquiry a 'tawdry kiss-and-tell', say tabloid editors

LORD Leveson is guilty of the worst kind of gutter judicial inquiry, it was claimed last night.

Britain’s most respected tabloid newspaper editors accused the inquiry of ‘turning them over’ and claimed it was a ‘grotesque invasion of privacy for the sake of a cheap headline’.

Dominic Mohan, editor of The Sun, said: “People like Hugh Grant, Steve Coogan and the McCanns encounter a well-known newspaper and then go running off to the nearest inquiry with their salacious gossip.

“And that inquiry is only too happy to make all of this public without so much as a thought for the ruined lives that are left in its wake.”

He added: “Tabloid journalists are real people with real feelings. What am I supposed to tell my children?

“And it’s not as if a correction is going to do any good. It’s like closing the stable door after the genie has bolted. The horse is out of the bottle.”

Paul Dacre, editor of the Daily Mail said: “They use the most disgusting, underhand tactics. They take people to a five-star courtroom, give them a fancy jug of water and then ask questions that they know are going to make tabloid newspapers look bad. I suspect that most of these ‘witnesses’ have no idea the whole thing is being recorded.

“Judicial inquiries into press ethics are like the Mafia. To them it’s just ‘business’.”

Tina Weaver, editor of the Sunday Mirror, said: “I feel as if I’ve been mentally raped.”

The inquiry stressed that tabloid newspapers were happy to court publicity when it served the interests of their bingo websites and insisted that an anti-inquiry law would prevent obvious conclusions being reached far too quickly.

But Paul Dacre added: “The most frustrating thing is we can’t challenge it because we’re all too scared of the consequences.

“That said, we are going to wait a few months and then make these fuckers wish they had never been born.”

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Power Thinking, with Dr Morris O'Connor

Power Plans  

The Occupy movement has given us a very clear signal, power is shifting to the hands of the consumers and UBS aren’t that hot on building security. If you’re hot on squatting now might be your last chance to get into a large corporate space. The movement has exposed inequalities in society which have even spread as far as my personal relationships. My wife Pae Pwang, who’s currently occupying the garden shed, has reviewed our marriage and realised I control 99% of the money and have been exploiting her third world ‘resources’ on a daily basis.

I’m taking a corporate response to the situation and inspired by Paul Polman at Unilever I’ve devised the Dr Morris Sustainable Living With A Wife From The Third World Plan. The plan seeks to double the amount of sex and domestic chores I get from her, but there’s a commitment to improve her clothing, allowance and regulate the amount of salt in her diet.

At the heart of my plan is the desire to say the right thing to a woman that’s clearly very pissed off, whilst still essentially doing what I want, dominating the relationship and holding on to all of our spending money. If I give her some nebulous form of empowerment and recognize her desires. i.e stick some solar panels on the roof and get that Cath Kidston teapot she wants, she’ll think she’s with the right husband.

I don’t think anyone other than a woman who was born into poverty would do some of the things I request in bed, so obviously I don’t want the relationship to end. I didn’t use to listen to her whinging, but in the same way Bob at Unilever is on the blower to Greenpeace a bit more now, each week I’m taking Pae for a coffee so she can have a good old moan.

I slipped the plan in note form under the door, but she said if I was really committed to change  I would use all the money I’ve saved not having a wife with equal rights and put it into repairing the emotional damage she’s sustained from being with a man who cries as regularly as I do. She’s also seeking reparations for the tennis elbow she’s got from consistently scrubbing my stained grundies.

I’m going to sit it out, how long really can she last in the shed without food and TV? She’s going to have to really kick off if she wants those demands met, but then there’s always the threat of getting another wife. To a lot of desperate women, I’m quite an attractive package.

Dr Morris O’Connor is the best selling author of Saying The Right Thing To Pissed Off Third World Wives