Alan Pardew refuses to discuss giant looming sword

NEWCASTLE manager Alan Pardew has ignored enquiries about the huge sword suspended point-down above him by a single thread.

Pardew, who remained seated for the press conference due to a lethal electric charge wired to a pressure pad in his chair, insisted he could turn the club around.

He continued: “This device connected to my heart, operated by the remote control you saw the chairman toying with earlier, has no relevance to our league campaign.

“Next question… I’m sorry, I can’t make anyone out because of all these laser sights trained on my forehead.

“Something about Damocles? Big lad, midfield for MK Metalurg in the Macedonian League?

“We’re in talks with his agent.”

The manager urged reporters to keep asking questions because if the words “all about the team performance” were said fewer than ten times per minute the bomb would explode.

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Manchester United fans using plane banners for idle chit chat

MANCHESTER United fans are communicating anything that pops into their heads via plane banners.

After using aerial banners to heckle David Moyes and ask Cristiano Ronaldo to return, airborne pieces of fabric have become supporters’ standard method of communication.

Fans have booked two planes for Sunday carrying the banners ‘Creditable performance against West Ham’ and ‘But there’s room for improvement, especially in defence’.

A third plane banner will read ‘Weather better than expected, isn’t it?’

Fan club spokesman Roy Hobbs said: “I am starting to wonder if there might be a more cost-effective way to express our mundane thoughts.

“I’ve spend more money on plane banners this year than my season ticket, and to be honest felt a bit short-changed by the one telling Louis van Gaal his shoelaces were undone.

“Maybe we should send a plane banner to the banner plane hire place, telling them to cancel.”