NEWCASTLE manager Alan Pardew has ignored enquiries about the huge sword suspended point-down above him by a single thread.
Pardew, who remained seated for the press conference due to a lethal electric charge wired to a pressure pad in his chair, insisted he could turn the club around.
He continued: “This device connected to my heart, operated by the remote control you saw the chairman toying with earlier, has no relevance to our league campaign.
“Next question… I’m sorry, I can’t make anyone out because of all these laser sights trained on my forehead.
“Something about Damocles? Big lad, midfield for MK Metalurg in the Macedonian League?
“We’re in talks with his agent.”
The manager urged reporters to keep asking questions because if the words “all about the team performance” were said fewer than ten times per minute the bomb would explode.