Duncan Smith ahead in f**king stupid ideas sweepstake

IAIN Duncan Smith is tipped to win a bet on who can come up with the most idiotic idea at the Tory conference.

Loves saying “smart card”

Ministers have set up an office-style sweepstake based on who can think of the most stupid, impractical or pointless policy, with the aim of winning a prize pot of £36.

A Conservative spokesman said: “Osborne did well by basically promising to take money away from the ‘hard-working families’ we’ve been banging on about for the last four years.

“But then Iain played a blinder with smart cards for benefits, which are plagued with problems obvious to a five-year-old, like people just buying stuff and selling it to their mates for cash.

“Plus it would involve handing over another vast IT project to a proven fantasist who probably needs Betsy to turn his laptop on for him. That would be phenomenally stupid, so Iain will probably win.

“Mind you, Cameron has just said we should teach children to use confusing, obsolete imperial measurements, so we’re not declaring a winner just yet.”

The spokesman said other contenders included Theresa May’s proposal to ban extremists from using the internet, which suffers from the drawback of not being possible.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Humans made to wear tax discs

THE legal obligation to display a valid tax disc has been shifted from cars to people.

The laminated disc, which will display your tax code and a record of payments for the last five years, must be worn around the neck on a chain in the style of an 80s rapper.

It must be visible to inspectors at all times, even while the taxpayer is asleep.

An HM Revenue & Customs spokesman said: “You hear ‘I pay my taxes!’ all the time but rarely does anyone prove it.

“From now on, your contribution to the state will be displayed to everyone at all times, and if you didn’t make one don’t expect to be allowed to walk on the pavement like everybody else.”

Anyone without a visible tax disc will be fined, then clamped, then towed away, then crushed into a small cube.