Allardyce returns to double glazing factory

BLACKBURN Rovers have confirmed that Sam Allardyce will return to his post as regional sales executive for Ossett Windows.

The former manager has confounded expectations for over 15 years by managing some of the biggest football teams in the land despite being an adequate home improvement salesman with no football experience.

Allardyce said: “It’s been a hell of a ride ever since I got pissed during the 1994 North West Windows Conference and woke up to find I was managing Blackpool.

“One minute I’m driving around Lancashire in a Ford Mondeo full of uPVC catalogues, the next I’m being asked about zonal marking, whatever that is.

“I just told them to hoof it towards the goal and see what happens. And if that didn’t work I would advise them to invest in a new conservatory.”

Brian Ossett said: “I am delighted to welcome back the fifteenth most successful salesman I have ever had.”

The club’s new owners called time on Allardyce after several players complained they were dropped for refusing to have their guttering replaced.

Many were also unhappy that Christopher Samba was made captain simply because he allowed Allardyce to give him an estimate on a pair of dormer windows.

Allardyce added: “I think the era of my type of management is over and I won’t be surprised if Roy Hodgson gets the elbow when his bosses realise he actually runs a Daihatsu dealership in Croydon or Ian Holloway when Blackpool get a call from that Somerset village asking for their idiot back.”



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Councils to sack all the wrong people

CASH-strapped local councils have pledged to identify the workers who are most useful and then sack them.

As jolly communities secretary Eric Pickles confirmed a 10% funding cut, council leaders vowed to protect the pointless shits that exists only to keep themselves and their sweaty, self-serving chums in nice cars and lovely Waitrose food.

Martin Bishop, deputy leader of Newark Borough Council, said: “In times of austerity it’s our duty to focus on gimlet-eyed middle-aged women with oversized wooden beads and weirdly-spelled names like ‘Shealagh McLabrador’.

“And then there’s the red-faced men called Ray who need to take six months off with stress and get regular visits from professional cuddlers, after getting over-excited by Toy Story 3.”

He added: “Fortunately, our more pointless managers have contracts saying that we can’t get rid of them without a redundancy package backdated to the reign of Aethelbald on the basis that if Newark council had existed in 733 AD they would almost certainly have been a grade six.

“But we will be looking closely at people who drive bin lorries, clean streets and run youth clubs and asking ourselves what contribution they’re making to things like health equality and bisexual tolerance.

“How many weekends a year are they spending at good quality hotels writing the phrase ‘customer facing’ on a whiteboard in between massive mouthfuls of luxury goats’ cheese vol-au-vent?”

Roy Hobbs, a £2500-a-day restructivisational consultant brought in to protect core council bullshit, said: “If you leave an infinite number of overflowing dustbins outside an infinite number of houses, sooner or later someone will take them away. Also bin men are probably a bit sexist.

“Now if you’ll please excuse me, it’s five minutes to five and if I don’t get out of the door exactly on time I’ll turn into a pumpkin.”