Australia Offers To Bowl Underarm

AUSTRALIA has offered to bowl underarm for the final Ashes test so they do not have to sit about for two days, waiting to catch their return flight to Sydney.

The last thing this country needs is a bunch of Australians with nothing to do

As captain Ricky Ponting warned that 'the devil makes work for idle hands', the Australians said treating England like a team of under-12s in a charity match should keep them busy until at least the morning of the 24th.

Ponting added: "I don't want us sitting there, flicking through the adult channels and reading Clive Barker novels when we could at least be playing a bit of cricket.

"If we bowl underarm and keep our hands in our pockets then we should hopefully get a chance to bat twice."

England were beaten by an innings and 80 runs, a level of defeat not seen in test cricket since 1982 when the Little Sisters of Mercy B team lost to the West Indies by an innings, 14,212 runs and three deaths.

Headingley's 'Barmy Army' supporters were silenced toward the end of play on Sunday and several were escorted from the ground after hatching a plan to insert a trumpet into Ravi Bopara.

The England team were weakened by the absence of Andrew Flintoff, Kevin Pietersen and a complete lack of a development programme for young players since the 13 year-old WG Grace shat himself at Lord's in 1861.

Captain Andrew Strauss said: "It's very kind of Ricky to make the offer and I only we hope we don't let him down.

"Underarm should be okay for Alistair Cook and Matt Prior, but I think the rest of the middle order are still going to need much wider bats and a couple of extra lives."