Australia Offers To Bowl Underarm

AUSTRALIA has offered to bowl underarm for the final Ashes test so they do not have to sit about for two days, waiting to catch their return flight to Sydney.

As captain Ricky Ponting warned that 'the devil makes work for idle hands', the Australians said treating England like a team of under-12s in a charity match should keep them busy until at least the morning of the 24th.

Ponting added: "I don't want us sitting there, flicking through the adult channels and reading Clive Barker novels when we could at least be playing a bit of cricket.

"If we bowl underarm and keep our hands in our pockets then we should hopefully get a chance to bat twice."

England were beaten by an innings and 80 runs, a level of defeat not seen in test cricket since 1982 when the Little Sisters of Mercy B team lost to the West Indies by an innings, 14,212 runs and three deaths.

Headingley's 'Barmy Army' supporters were silenced toward the end of play on Sunday and several were escorted from the ground after hatching a plan to insert a trumpet into Ravi Bopara.

The England team were weakened by the absence of Andrew Flintoff, Kevin Pietersen and a complete lack of a development programme for young players since the 13 year-old WG Grace shat himself at Lord's in 1861.

Captain Andrew Strauss said: "It's very kind of Ricky to make the offer and I only we hope we don't let him down.

"Underarm should be okay for Alistair Cook and Matt Prior, but I think the rest of the middle order are still going to need much wider bats and a couple of extra lives."

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Tories To Launch Embarrassing Rashbook

A CONSERVATIVE government will set up a social networking site so that we can all read about each other's embarrassing diseases.

The party says Embarrassing RashBook will give people greater control over sharing the medical consequences of their ill-judged sexual exploits and appalling personal hygiene.

Shadow health secretary Andrew Lansley said: "We did think about setting up a secure online facility so you could have access to your own medical records, but we soon realised the chances of keeping it private were infinitesimally small.

"Therefore, in order to encourage open government and to prevent Google and Microsoft blackmailing everybody, we reckon it's just a lot easier if everyone can see what's wrong with everyone else all the time."

He added: "You'll be able to constantly update your 'friends' on what antibiotic ointments you've been prescribed and what you're currently dabbing them onto.

"And imagine the fun we can have exchanging the best excuses for how all those everyday, household objects somehow became wedged in our back passage."

To encourage competition and greater efficiency the Tories have pledged to set up a range of networks including MyInfectedSpace, BeBoils and Clapster.

There are also plans for a range of horribly intrusive quizzes, disease compatibility tests and fun, infection-based games like Top Trumps and Scabulous.