WAKING with a hangover so hurricane-like in its intensity I am surprised the Met Office have not named it Hangover Jeanette or somesuch, I imbibe several gallons of water and ring for my clerk.
I have resolved, since it is Lent, to give up swearing in the run-up to Easter. However, I do not believe in doing things the easy way. Each day, I have my clerk read out to me items of news or other snippets which might normally drive me to vituperation.
He arrives and we get right to it. ‘I see that Nigel Farage has been caught on video endorsing cryptocurrencies, neo-Nazis and P Diddy,’ he remarks. With every fibre of my being, I restrain myself.
‘F-F-F-Fiddle-dee-dee,’ I reply.
‘Also, that Peter Mandelson demanded a six-figure payoff following his removal as American ambassador.’
‘For – flip’s sake! What a cun – cunning stroke.’
‘Liz Truss.’
‘Shhh – shame!’
I feel I have resisted well when I see that my clerk is watching a video on his phone. I ask him what it is.
‘Oh, just Ed Sheeran and James Corden singing and strumming along together in an old episode of Carpool Karaoke,’ he says.
I ask him to hand me the phone. I look at it for 0.34 seconds. I pick up my bullhorn, stride calmly towards the window, open it and bellow: ‘CUNT! CUNT! DOUBLE CUNT! CUNT TO THE POWER OF CUNT!’
Feeling unburdened, I dismiss my inferior, take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein, I read that Richard Tice, deputy leader of Reform UK, is under investigation for tax avoidance to the tune of £600,000 after ‘exploiting a loophole’.
Well, that figures, you’ve spent your career exploiting the giant fucking loophole that is the English public’s gullibility with grifters like you! Which is why you’re where you are today: ensconced in fucking Dubai like the hypocrites you and your beyond-fucking-awful wife Oakeshott are, waiting to come back at the next election like the prince across the water and scumsuck the UK while you’re running/ruining the nation! I can only hope the country wakes up in time, but I’m not hopeful when the biggest supposed patriots seem to happily vote for a smarmy chancer who can’t bear to spend time in the fucking UK!
Chelsea FC have been fined £10m and handed a suspended transfer ban after admitting making £47m in secret payments to unregistered agents and third parties over transfers between 2011 and 2018.
Jesus H fucking cockrot, that’s fucking chump change to Chelsea! You might as well fine Tice £50 with an offer to pay in fucking instalments! This is flat-out fucking corruption, instigated by a fucking oligarch! They should be fined 2,000 points and made to play the next five seasons on Hackney Marshes, jumpers for fucking goalposts! Cheating on a colossal scale like the Chelsea cunts that they are! You should be dead as a club! Stamford Bridge bulldozed to make way for affordable social housing! But no, the travesty of big blue clubs operating with impunity continues with the usual fucking invertebrate non-resistance!
While meeting the Japanese prime minister Sanae Takaichi in the Oval Office, Donald Trump compared the US and Israel’s attack on Iran to the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor: ‘Who knows better about surprise than Japan? Why didn’t you tell me about Pearl Harbor?’
Fuck my dog, every time you open your incontinent shithole of a fucking mouth, you outdo yourself, don’t you? It’s now got to the stage that you can’t understand why you weren’t informed about an attack that took place five years before you were fucking born! Or rather you’re being the worst kind of Basil Fawlty bore tactlessly banging on about the war nearly a fucking century later! At least he was fundamentally likeable, unlike you who’s just a bullying, unfunny fucking loudmouth who was probably getting round to asking her if you should ‘do a Hiroshima’ on fucking Iran!
Finally, shadow justice secretary Nick Timothy has complained about a Muslim prayer event in Trafalgar Square, which he described as an ‘act of domination’.
Dear fucking God, aren’t people getting a tad fucking weary of this performative racism, all to appease an increasingly deranged demographic of the population and defended by your fucking mad, stupid, opportunistically-racist Tory leader? And didn’t your advice cause Theresa May to lose an election disastrously? Yeah, let’s have more of your fucking opinions, please. And if you hate it here that much, why not fuck off to Dubai with the rest of your far-right fuckbrains?
