Ballack To Hurl Venom At Referees For Another Year

CHELSEA striker Michael Ballack has signed a one-year extension to his abuse-hurling contract, the club has confirmed.

Incoming coach Brian Ancelotti said he was delighted, insisting that with Ballack, John Terry and Didier Drogba, Chelsea would continue to field the most reviled bunch of overpaid, whining bitches in the Premier League.

He added: "Michael has all the experience of berating poorly-paid officials that I could hope for.

"And despite his age he can still track a referee for 60 yards up the pitch to spit phlegm-sodden obscenities right in his eyes."

Ancelotti said he hoped to bring a fresh approach to ref-baiting at Stamford Bridge adding: "In England, coaches still obsess about foul-language work rates, while on the continent the focus has been on developing a more inventive form of sewer-mouthed intimidation."

Ballack, who has worked under five managers at Chelsea said he was looking forward to a period of stability, adding: "Over the last 18 months I have not known whether I'm supposed to call the referee a tit, a ballbag or a monkey-brained cocksucker."
Premier League agent Bill McKay said: "The battle to secure the services of the most abusive pricks in football just seems to start earlier every year, doesn't it?"

Following their FA Cup victory, the Chelsea squad will take a three week break before pre-season abuse training in Spain, where they will spend four hours a day screaming sexually explicit death threats at large, black cones.

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Susan Boyle Going According To Plan, Says Cowell

FREAK-wrangler Simon Cowell has urged people across Britain not to worry about Susan Boyle, insisting everything was going according to plan.

Boyle was admitted to the Priory Clinic in London last night after swearing loudly while running down the corridor in a five-star hotel, in what Cowell said would make a really exciting bit in the film.

Showbiz insiders said the church volunteer with the voice of a reasonably good singer suffered an exquisitely-timed emotional breakdown after losing in the final of Britain Must be Stopped.

The surprise winners were inexplicable dance group National Embarrassment, who can now look forward to two days of fantastic press coverage, followed by one day of savage lies about their private lies, followed by absolutely nothing at all.

Viewer Emma Bradford said: "I voted for National Embarrassment because I felt it was incredibly important to teach Susan Boyle a really harsh lesson about fame.

"But now I feel guilty and I just hope she recovers very soon and gets back to doing what she does best so I can teach her another harsh lesson, the stuck-up bitch."

She added: "Poor, sweet, lovely Susan. I'm so fucking sick of her."

Experts insist that, if she does not go completely insane, Boyle could earn up to £5 million over the next three years for Simon Cowell.

But insiders warned the singer could become locked in a vicious cycle of emotional breakdowns amid showbiz fears she would be unable to cope with being famous enough to be admitted to the Priory.

Meanwhile, as Boyle checked into the clinic, Cowell pushed a miniature version of her across the board and positioned OK! magazine and a Living TV special on her left and right flanks before smiling, nodding and rubbing himself.

Tom Logan, one of the 12 people in Britain who did not watch the show, said: "I'm going to buy a large map of the world, pin it to the wall, shut my eyes and throw a dart at it – and that will be my new home."