Balotelli 'didn't know he's not supposed to kill people'

MARIO Balotelli last night said he was ‘surprised’ at Roberto Mancini’s angry reaction to the bomb he planted under his car.

The Manchester City striker insisted the 1kg device was a ‘spur of the moment thing’ and that he would ‘probably have forgotten to detonate it anyway’.

He said: “Now everyone is saying I lack professionalism. That seems unfair. It was just a medium sized car bomb. I do it all the time.”

The attempted murder of his manager could be the final straw for the Italian international following his attempt to use a massive, two-handed sword at corners and free-kicks and his Christmas Eve CS gas attack at the Arndale Centre.

Balotelli added: “Mancini has always been like this. When we were both at Inter Milan I had a leopard that I used to starve for a few days and then release at training.

“The manager would get so angry with me. I could not understand why as my leopard was obviously really hungry. I sometimes think Mancini is a very cruel man.”

City’s owners now face the dilemma of trying to offload the mercurial striker to a manager that is okay with random car bombs.

Footballologist Wayne Hayes said: “They’ll need to write some kind of water-tight ‘no murdering’ clause into his contract. The lawyers will have a field day.”


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'Maim colleague' is top New Year's resolution

MILLIONS of professionals are beating the back-to-work blues by vowing to maim a colleague or supervisor in 2013.

Researchers at Roehampton University found the majority of workers plan to carry out their attack using a stapler, hole punch or other document-combining device, with 28% saying they’d ‘do it with their bare hands if necessary’.

Donna Sheridan, a mayoral assistant from Kettering said that this is the year she plans to exact revenge on Dylan from the post room.

She explained: “He keeps telling me about how much he hates capitalism. I know he hates capitalism, why else would he smell of onions?

“I spent the Christmas holidays fantasizing about forcing his head into a filing cabinet and slamming the drawer repeatedly. In my head it’s like a scene in a Japanese gangster film where you think the camera is going to cut away, but it doesn’t.

“Clearly though I have no intention of killing him, just making his ears bleed a bit.”

Sales co-ordinator Tom Booker said: “I was going to join a gym for my New Year’s resolution, but then I realised that forcing my struggling line manager out of a third floor window would be a more productive way of burning off calories.

“Also I’m going to read a book every week.”