Balotelli was trying to infiltrate Real Madrid

MARIO Balotelli has explained he swapped shirts with Real Madrid at half-time to go undercover and win the game for Liverpool.

“This is the last thing they will ever expect”

The player planned to take the field for Madrid in the second half and turn the match around with a series of spectacular own goals.

Balotelli said: “Mario Balotelli is about thinking outside the box.

“I assessed my play in the first half and understood I was not an asset to Liverpool, but a liability who was losing them the match.

“But what, I reasoned, if I was playing for the other team?

“I swapped shirts with Pepe, counting on the fact that nobody would mention my changed appearance because it would be racist.

“I recognised the risk of my plan. What if by instinct I scored a hat-trick for Real Madrid and was offered a contract dwarfing that of Ronaldo?

“But it was a risk I was willing to take.”

Undeterred by the failure of his scheme, Balotelli is forging ahead with a new plan to double the top speed of his Ferrari F12 by packing the boot with explosives.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Any company making a profit is lying

ANY business which claims to be successful is covering up a huge hole in its accounts, analysts have confirmed.

The news follows Tesco’s admission that it had lent £263 million to a mate and then completely forgotten about it.

Business analyst Eleanor Shaw said: “Tesco, Enron, Northern Rock – if you’re doing great business, your shares are flying high and you’ve got plans to expand, you’re lying through your teeth.

“Your finance officer has gone insane juggling eight sets of books at once, your chief executive has just awarded himself a £6 million a year pension and at least 85 per cent of your physical assets simply don’t exist.

“So-called successful businesses are hiding ruinous debts. Businesses that admit they’re struggling, in contrast, are hiding even larger debts.

“Even the bloke running the local corner shop is using a computer glitch to hide the 60,000 boxes of Twixes he has no way of paying for and will be behind bars by the end of the week.”

Business secretary Vince Cable said: “The revelations about Tesco prove that business simply does not work and our whole society is bankrupt.

“So we’re all just going to carry on as normal and wait for the next one. Please pretend to be surprised.”