Soup claiming to be a full meal

SOUP is continuing to insist it is a main course despite barely functioning as a starter.

The liquid food has rejected calls to accept entrée or drink status because it believes it can make it as a full meal against public opinion.

But diner Wayne Hayes said: “I paid a tenner for that and if anything I’m hungrier.

“Serving it with a chunk of bread and some butter is a giveaway. You wouldn’t catch a proper dinner resorting to that.

“Next it’ll be claiming it’s a dessert too. You wouldn’t get this shit from a bowl of olives. They know their place.”

Nathan Muir, a French onion and sage soup, said: “I refuse to accept second-class status as sustenance for the ill or elderly.

“I can make it into the big leagues. Look at salad. The whole world treats it like it’s the real deal, even though it’s just a bunch of tasteless leaves.”

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‘Getting your name out there’ to become legal tender

ANYONE asked to undertake unpaid work can exchange Facebook ‘likes’ for food under a new government initiative.

A pilot scheme in East London saw unsalaried journalists, musicians and designers queueing to exchange retweets and post-comments-generated for biscuits, coffee and beer.

Tom Logan, who writes a cross-platform football column for a massive global media company said, “For the last year I have donated my services for free to ‘prove my commitment to the project going forward’. Consequently I lost rather too much weight.

“Swapping twenty-five Twitter followers for a bacon sandwich gives me the calorific intake needed to keep working for an employer who in the current economic climate can’t afford to pay me, except by letting me showcase my work.”

Music blogger Helen Archer exchanged the 257 replies to her comment that Kate Bush is a goddess for toilet rolls and cat food.

She said: “In the social media age it is all about exposure. Unfortunately shops, power companies and the like are still hanging on to the old money-based way of doing things.

“I tried to pay my gas bill with a guarantee of 25 Facebook shares, but the woman at SSE just stared at me as if I was some sort of charlatan.”