Bartoli retires so she can destroy John Inverdale

WIMBLEDON champion Marion Bartoli has retired from tennis so she can devote all of her time to ruining John Inverdale’s life.

The Frenchwoman said the BBC presenter’s comment that she was ‘never going to be a looker’ deserved the ‘appropriate, detailed response’.

She added: “I am very wealthy. Much, much wealthier than John Inverdale. But what I didn’t have was time.

“Now I have time and money and nothing to do with both of them but bring John Inverdale to his knees.”

Asked exactly what she was going to do to Inverdale, Bartoli said, ‘wait and see’ and then smiled like an absolute maniac.

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Pretending to be hard now a job

THE government is to reduce youth unemployment by making pretending to be hard an actual job.

Under new proposals, anyone under the age of 25 who has a tattoo of a bull terrier’s face, refers to the police as ‘feds’ and suffers from the delusion that they are part of the criminal underworld will receive a modest weekly wage.

A DWP spokesman said: “We need to reduce youth unemployment to stop Newsnight banging on about it, and many young people want to be 50 Cent.

“Idiots will be classified as being in full-time employment as a hard person, even if the extent of their hardness is shoplifting bags of Nik Naks or vandalising the swings at the local playground.

“They will be required to carry out certain activities, such as sitting on walls and pulling their hoods up whenever a police car goes past.”

Newly accredited hard person Wayne Hayes said: “This is a dream come true. Some hater had questioned my gangsta credentials because I’m retaking my GCSEs at the local tech college rather than selling crack.

“I’m planning to celebrate by smoking some blunts back at my crib then opening all the doors and windows so my mum doesn’t smell it when she gets home.”

The DWP now plans to extend the scheme to bullshitters who think they are local vigilantes and lone drinkers who claim to have roadied for Oasis.