Bookies don’t want your shitty £1 bet

THE nation’s bookmakers have told once-a-year punters to refrain from placing their pathetic Grand National bets this year.

Across the country, annual gamblers will walk into betting shops joking, laughing and otherwise ruining the atmosphere while staking a couple of pounds each way on the favourite.

Bookmaker Wayne Hayes said: “Every year they’re in here putting £2 on a 40-1 outsider called Chelsea Octopus because they support Chelsea and like octopuses, and it makes me sick.

“They take ages filling in their slips – Andy came in, lost his week’s wages on the roulette machine, went home and they still hadn’t finished – and then hand over £8 in grubby coins.

“They might as well save themselves the bother because best-case scenario is they win £30. It’s not exactly life-changing.

“Gambling isn’t fun. If you’re not sweating and shaking in front of the 2.35pm from Leopardstown on a Wednesday afternoon then don’t waste my time.”

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If you run away from our missiles you’re a terrorist, says US

ANYONE fleeing Syria because of US airstrikes is not a refugee but a terrorist, the US has confirmed. 

Last night’s missile strikes, and the further strikes expected when Trump wants to feel presidential tomorrow night, are aimed at bad people so only bad people would be afraid of them.

Secretary of state Rex Tillerson said: “To flee your home because of evil Assad’s terrible attacks is understandable, though you can’t come here because you might be lying.

“But to flee because American-made Tomahawks are streaking through the sky like the rescuing cavalry, precision-targeted on the wicked? Uh-uh.

“That’s the US of A you’re running from, and that means you’re a definite terrorist. Very likely ISIS, even if they are shooting at you.

“If US airstrikes are incoming simply remain indoors, cherish freedom and our shared values, and you’ll be perfectly safe. Just ask Iraq.”