MICHAEL Schumacher's return to Formula One could re-establish the sport's reputation as a seemingly unending spectacle of utter dreariness, it was claimed last night.
The sport has changed dramatically since Schumacher's retirement in 2006 with the emergence of at least two other people who are able to point the car in the right direction most of the time.
The German, who won 91 races without doing anything remotely interesting, said: "I hope the car performs well and I can perform well for the team. It's a big challenge but I will do my best for the fans. How tedious was that?"
Schumacher said he had been dismayed by recent events in Formula 1, adding: "Max Mosely being thrashed by women dressed in my nation's garb of shame, a black man winning the title, Jensen Button not coming last – when will this vaguely interesting madness end?"
Despite his unparalleled success, Schumacher remains so boring that he has recently been forced to write 'you are Michael Schumacher' on his bathroom mirror in a bid to remind him who he is.
He insisted: "No more overtaking, no more surprises, no victorious underdogs. Just a procession of tax-avoiding millionaires following each other around the track in the precise order they set off."
The safety of F1 has been questioned following Schumacher’s return with many drivers concerned that being in a race with the German could be so boring they fall asleep at the wheel.
Britain's Lewis Hamilton said: "But then again, seeing lots of boredom-induced crashes would actually be quite interesting. That Bernie Ecclestone's a clever bastard."