Oh No, He's Rubbish, Says America

PRESIDENT Obama staged an awkward beer conference with a policeman and an angry professor last night, amid growing concerns he might not be very good at this.

The live drinking session with Professor Henry Gates, Sgt Jim Crowely and vice-president Joe Biden was watched by all those Americans who have not yet been forced to sell their televisions to pay for healthcare.

Following Sgt Crowley's controversial arrest of the black professor, the president and his senior advisers have been locked in meetings deciding what beer to serve and whether to serve it in glasses or bottles.

But across the country, Americans with actual lives said they were experiencing the early symptoms of having made a terrible mistake.

Todd Logan, from Milwaukee, said: "I'm really glad he went for glasses. I'm a glass man myself.

"That said, I was hoping he would spend a bit more time focusing on the fact that I don't have a job and that there are still lots of insane muslims who want to kill me."

But Lyle McAllister, from Tennessee, said: "I think the president was right. That police officer was stoopid. Ah wouldn't have arrested that niggra. Ah'd a killed the uppity sum-bitch."

After the meeting the president said it was important for the commander-in-chief to become intimately involved in any incident where two people got a bit upset.

He added: "Today I learned that an Hispanic woman in Boise, Idaho was given the wrong change at Wal-Mart. The cashier is obviously a moron and our supermarkets are still living in the 1950s.

"I would like to invite the short-changed woman, the cashier and Tom Hanks to join me at the White House for a beverage to be determined by a presidential commission headed by Neil Armstrong."

A White House spokesman said: "Let's not forget the president has kick-started a debate about race. Admittedly it's a stupid debate with lots of shouting and thinly-veiled death threats, but this is America."

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Dinner Party Craze For Premium Strength Lager

A NEW range of boutique 18% lagers are becoming the drink of choice for sophisticated urban professionals who really like a fight.

According to the manufacturers, Tokyo beer lends an 'authentic taste of bohemian street culture to staid social occasions'.

A spokesman said: "It means you can punch fellow guests who get on your tits, because afterwards you can just blame the drink. And chances are you won't remember doing it anyway."

Jennie Hargreaves, a public relations consultant from Hatfield, said: "I serve Tokyo at all my parties and the guests soon become too incoherent to have the same old boring conversations about school fees and the Booker Prize.

"By the time I bring out the tiramisu someone's usually got a dessert fork in their eye. That sort of thing used to really bother me, but these days I'm just too pissed to care."

Tom Logan, an architect from Finsbury Park, said: "I was at a housewarming in an executive apartment building. The Tokyo was flowing freely and this lawyer starts on about school fees.

"I'm like, 'I couldn't give a fuck about your fucking school fees, kid are all bastards anyways', and then I hit him with a chair, fell backwards through a table and soiled myself.

"Then they threw me out and I was all covered in blood and glass and I was crying a lot. But then I remembered I'd snuck a couple of bottles into my coat. I was so chuffed that I spent the rest of the evening sitting in a bus shelter, muttering to myself."

He added: "Tokyo is certainly well-crafted with an intruiging palate – but more importantly it's a fantastic ice breaker.

"If only it wasn't so moreish, I probably wouldn't be sleeping in a public toilet."