FABIO Capello has been asked to submit an empty team sheet for Euro 2012 to avoid selecting gits.
The England manager has gone with a traditional formation of scumbags for the qualifying rounds but may experiment at the finals by adopting the modern system of picking people you would trust to house-sit without defecating into your laundry basket.
Capello said “While we’re grateful to the ‘team’ for getting us this far, waking up in your hotel room with a cock and balls drawn on your chin gets tiring after the eighth or ninth time.
“It’s been too long since England won a major tournament and turning up in Poland with or without football players is unlikely to change that.
“But if I go on my own at least I won’t have to learn Polish phrases for how to bail somebody out of jail.”
Selection to the England side has caused a philosophical debate as to whether it confers scumbagness onto a player or whether a player’s very scumbagness causes them to be selected in the first place.
In order to tackle the issue, the FA is to tighten eligibility criteria with a morality quiz including questions about sex with furniture and the correct form of address for a variety of racial minorities.
Footballologist Wayne Hayes said:”I’d estimate there’s currently about six English professional footballers capable of passing it, but one of those is Gary Neville.
“Half the current team would just draw a stick figure gang-bang on the exam paper and the rest would take it to a Travelodge for the afternoon.”