Capello advised not to select anybody

FABIO Capello has been asked to submit an empty team sheet for Euro 2012 to avoid selecting gits.

The England manager has gone with a traditional formation of scumbags for the qualifying rounds but may experiment at the finals by adopting the modern system of picking people you would trust to house-sit without defecating into your laundry basket.

Capello said “While we’re grateful to the ‘team’ for getting us this far, waking up in your hotel room with a cock and balls drawn on your chin gets tiring after the eighth or ninth time.

“It’s been too long since England won a major tournament and turning up in Poland with or without football players is unlikely to change that.

“But if I go on my own at least I won’t have to learn Polish phrases for how to bail somebody out of jail.”

Selection to the England side has caused a philosophical debate as to whether it confers scumbagness onto a player or whether a player’s very scumbagness causes them to be selected in the first place.

In order to tackle the issue, the FA is to tighten eligibility criteria with a morality quiz including questions about sex with furniture and the correct form of address for a variety of racial minorities.

Footballologist Wayne Hayes said:”I’d estimate there’s currently about six English professional footballers capable of passing it, but one of those is Gary Neville.

“Half the current team would just draw a stick figure gang-bang on the exam paper and the rest would take it to a Travelodge for the afternoon.”


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William to appease Argentina with Nazi uniform

PRINCE William is to ease the growing tension with Argentina by borrowing his brother’s SS uniform.

As he embarks on a tour of duty in the Falklands, the Prince will offer the hand of friendship to Buenos Aries by piloting his large helicopter while wearing one of his family’s swastika armbands.

The Ministry of Defence said the Prince was ‘very keen’ to play a diplomatic role by emphasising Argentina and the Royal Family’s shared love of all things German.

A spokesman said: “If the Prince encounters any Argentine vessels while on patrol he will hover close to them, shout ‘ich liebe Frau Kirchner’ and then sing the Horst Wessel Song.”

The Prince has borrowed the 12th Waffen SS Panzer Division uniform from his brother Harry who borrowed it from his grandfather who borrowed it from Adolf Eichmann.

Military historian, Denys Finch-Hatton, said: “It was one of Eichmann’s prized possessions and he would not have fled Germany without it. In a way it’s like it’s coming home.”

The move was welcomed in Argentina where many families still have fond memories of the SS.

Diego Boorman, from San Fernando, said: “It would be a shame to go to war with the British as I feel a tremendous kinship with Prince William. Our great-great uncles were very close ‘chums’.

“Indeed, I have a letter from King Edward to my Uncle Martin inviting him to Balmoral for a murder mystery weekend.”

The government hopes to build on the Prince’s mission by sending the Duchess of Cambridge to Buenos Aires wearing a lovely hat in the shape of Osvaldo Ardiles.