Carroll to face late homoeroticism test

KENNY Dalglish has confirmed that Andy Carroll is still not a certainty to face a sea of confused-feeling Geordies this Sunday.

The shire-striker left Newcastle for £35M in the January transfer window, in a deal that made thousands of potbellied men feel upset in a way they could neither adequately define nor express publicly.

Footballologist Wayne Hayes said “Many Newcastle fans will have felt betrayed and jilted by his departure, followed by the awkward need to do some DIY immediately to stop their stomach churning in quite so disconcerting a fashion.

“Seeing him run out in a Liverpool shirt will be like watching the mother of their kids walk into their local pub wearing a coat some other bloke bought them.

“This is assuming their ex is six foot three and built like a tattooed wardrobe made out of meat, but given they’re from Newcastle I think that’s a fair assumption.”

Carroll will be put through through some light man-crush training today by listening to a group of heterosexual men discuss how much they like the programmes of Professor Brian Cox.

If he comes through unscathed, Carroll will be more rigorously tested by sitting in a crowd of football fans watching slow-motion footage of Fernando Torres exchanging shirts at the end of a match to a soundtrack of Donna Summer’s Love To Love You Baby.

Hayes said “It’s easy to put this down to working-class men mistaking affection for complicated sexual feelings when a player leaves, but if they felt this way when Peter Beardsley left, something’s definitely wrong here.”




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Games console 'stole millions of players' lives'

MILLIONS of Playstation users are in turmoil after it emerged that the console had stolen huge chunks of their existences.

The mass realisation happened during an outage in the Playstation Network, when many players discovered that they had been seated in front of a screen holding a piece of plastic for over a decade, with the curtains drawn.

Technology journalist Tom Logan said: “People bought the machine without realising that unscrupulous games designers had gotten into the software and made it really, savagely compelling for their own nefarious ends.

“When I try to recall my recent history since getting the Playstation, all I get is a single static image of Snake from Metal Gear Solid looking cool, sort of a mental test card.

“It’s as if the machine just hoovered up a big chunk of my existence, like some electronic vampire that feeds on the human soul.

“When I look at it, it actually appears bloated and tick-like, bulging as it struggles to digest my wasted years.”

Sales administrator Nikki Hollis said: “All I know is that I bought Guitar Hero II and suddenly I was no longer a young and attractive woman.

“What worries me is what the Playstation intends to do with the chunk of my being that it has stolen.

“Perhaps it will use that fragment of my essence to create a more attractive computerised version of myself, a bit like in Weird Science, that will strangle me when I sleep and then have amazing sex with my husband.”