Celtic to sneer at grubby stadium

CELTIC fans will replace sectarian chants with derogatory comments about furnishings at this weekend’s Old Firm derby.

The teams will meet for the first time since Rangers told the tax man that they were unable to monetise half a city’s worth of fanatical support, and Celtic fans have already looked up the spelling of the words ‘declasse’ and ‘gauche’ for their banners.

Celtic supporter Tom Logan said “Whilst one is willing to temporarily countenance the company of a Hun on occasions such as these, the frankly dreadful selection of Chablis at Ibrox is beyond the pale.

“I doubt that I will be taking my gloves off when I’m in their ghastly little stadium and I shall be instructing my man to ensure the Bentley’s engine is kept running at all times should the whole affair become too distressingly shabby.”

The home team has been ordered to replace the traditional pre-match handshake with a tug of the forelock to their betters and Celtic has asked whether somebody will be keeping an eye on the valuables in their dressing room during the match ‘just in case’.

In a gesture of goodwill, Rangers have been told they can keep the coin tossed at the start of the match, as long as they promise not to spend it all on gin or at the bookies.

Footballologist Wayne Hayes said “It’s nice to see a fixture with an already-maniacal level of hatred attached to it ramp up the tension by adding class division into the mix. Although given that they’re both Scottish the word ‘class’ is somewhat relative, obviously.”

“In terms of adding an extra layer of rivalry it’s rather like Israel finding out Palestine has slept with its sister.”



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Everything shagging

AS the first weekend of spring begins, the British countryside has come alive with rampant sex.

Naturalists are predicting this new season will be one of the most fornication-packed ever, as creatures of all shapes and sizes become aroused after a long, cold winter of sexual dormancy.

Wildlife expert Bill McKay, author of Notes on Spring: Nature’s Own Fuck Fest said: “The sun is out, the days are lengthening, Britain’s wildlife is once again looking to get its swerve on.

“I was out in the Cotswolds yesterday, and the hedgerows were reverberating with mammalian squeaks and squeals of unbridled pleasure.

“There were rabbits doing it, as you’d expect, but also pigeons, mice and foxes were getting lucky.

“I even saw a badger getting double-teamed by a kestrel and a rare Natterjack toad, latin name Bufo Calamita. Goodness, that badger was really getting nailed.

“It’s really a great privilege to watch this rich tapestry of life unfolding.”

Laurie Lee wrote of spring in his poem April Rise, ‘If ever world were blessed, it is when the boning time begins.’

Elsewhere in rural Britain, giggling pubescent girls in white floaty dresses have been dancing around a phallic totem at a supposedly family-friendly event called a ‘fete’, while a leering half-goat piper looks on from behind a bush.