Champagne renowned for its urine-like flavour, French tell Froome

TOUR de France winner Chris Froome has been surprised by how much champagne tastes like urine.

The Briton initially struggled to win over the French public, but thanks to his supreme effort he was greeted at the finish line by locals with glasses of their warm, yellow local drink.

Froome said: “I’m not really a drinker so I’m no judge of these things, but I had expected champagne to be fizzier, colder and not quite as cloudy.

“Apparently though the whiff of ammonia is the hallmark of a particularly fine vintage, and is caused by a particular type of sun on the grapes.

“Also, the victory pate had a similar tang, as did the tarte aux pommes. Obviously Champagne is a cooking ingredient as well as a fancy wine.

“Still, it’s very nice of them, and great to see that we’ve overcome any tired notions of animosity between our two nations.”

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Middle class advantages outweighed by having to live among middle class people

THE benefits of being born middle class are not worth all the bullshit, it has been claimed.

Researchers found that relatively stupid middle class children still get well-paid jobs. However they pay a heavy price in terms of having to live in some awful cul-de-sac with aspirational parents and dipshit middle management neighbours.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “The good part of being born middle class is that you get a nice easy job doing PR for a street food company rather than some exhausting manual work where you are exposed to the wind and rain.

“But you have to grow up in an environment where everyone is obsessed with money, cheese and original holiday destinations.

“Simple meals will last up to nine hours as family friends rattle on about some drab play they’re only pretending to like, and your dad will hate your because of all the financial sacrifices he made to get you into public school as a day pupil.

“Much better to be working class, where somebody in the house has always got cigarettes.”

Middle class 18-year-old Stephen Malley said: “My parents and their friends respond to everything with a kind of exhausting fake joy. Even my mediocre A Level results resulted in a flurry of hugs and kisses.

“It’s exhausting and weirdly slutty.”