INFLATED Premier League transfer fees have boosted the average pub team player’s value to three-quarters of a million pounds.
Spiralling top-level valuations have lifted Championship valuations by an average of £15 million, national league players by £2.4 million, and overweight blokes on Hackney Marshes by £750,000.
Centre-back Roy Hobbs, aged 47 and weighing 17 stone, said: “Putting in a few strong clearances on a Sunday morning is my way of working off a hangover.
“So it came as a surprise to find that I’m valued at £800,000 and being scouted by 1461 Trabzon in the Turkish League as a utility player to keep them in the play-off places.”
Van driver and White Hart Academicals goalkeeper Norman Steele said: “My agent says I could retire with a move to the J-League, but I take all the hysterical press speculation with a pinch of salt.
“It’s a fickle game. Last mont we lost 15-0 to Cross Keys Alexandra thanks to 15 unforced errors on my part and my valuation dropped to £550,000.”