EVERYBODY in England completely failed to care yesterday as Chelsea clinched the Premier League title.
As Ian Ancelotti’s side thrashed Wigan 8-0, football enthusiasts watched some programme about endangered rhinos on the Discovery Channel, including Chelsea supporters who had forgotten their team were actually playing.
Inexplicable celebrity Tim Lovejoy said: “The lads have done really well, according to what my personal assistant told me.
“Well done to all those men that play for my team, whatever their names are.”
Footballogist Charlie Reeves stressed that Chelsea occupy a unique position in the national game in that nobody likes them, including every single one of their own fans.
He said: “Twenty years ago, their home crowds were so sparse they had to shout their racist filth really loudly to ensure the bloke next to them heard it properly.
“The stadium is now much busier, but it is mainly stockbrokers using their season ticket as some sort of tax dodge.”
Reeves added: “Basically, a privileged mob of blue arseholes have somehow stumbled ahead of a privileged mob of red arseholes allowing one to draw a parallel with the recent election if one was a right fucking moron with a complete lack of perspective.”
Meanwhile lifelong Blues fan Tom Logan said: “I suppose Chelsea winning the league is a bit like a woman in China giving birth to a daughter – nine months of hard work and expectation followed by an overwhelming sense of utter pointlessness.
“I expect they’ll either have the trophy adopted by a gay couple or dump it in a ditch.”