Chelsea to sign 'next Messi' the moment he's born

CHELSEA is to pounce for a Romanian labelled ‘the next Lionel Messi’ as soon as his umbilical cord is cut.

The Premier League side has had a representative in the maternity ward of a small Romanian hospital for the last 24 hours, holding a three-year contract and a celebratory balloon.

Chelsea scout Tom Logan said: “We’ve had our eyes on the lad since he started to develop bones.

“We had a few worries when he began to put on a layer of fat in the 24th week of gestation, but he’s now match fit and you can really see that cultured right foot in action when he kicks in the womb.

“He may need to work on certain areas of his game, such as developing motor functions and a conscious awareness of self, though we can probably manage without too much of the latter.”

Meanwhile, Real Madrid revealed its talent scouts have been leaving contracts next to athletic-looking couples while they are having unprotected sex.


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Unemployment falls as IDS opens pie shop

A FALL in unemployment may be connected to Iain Duncan Smith’s new pie shop in central London.

The shop sells extremely tasty pies at very low prices while also offering free haircuts to the unemployed.

Motorcycle courier Nikki Hollis said: “Most pie shops offer a range of fillings, rather than just ‘Meat’.

“And the process of slow-cooking them over a pyre of half-completed Jobseeker’s Allowance forms seems unnecessary, though delicious.”

Duncan Smith said his Fleet Street-based business observed the highest standards of food hygiene, the raw materials being given a ‘very long shower’ before mincing.

He added: “Yes, there were isolated incidents of remote controls being found in pies, but that’s been rectified by a more powerful grinder.”