JOE Cole continued his bid to acclimatise to life in Liverpool yesterday by appearing before a magistrate.
The midfielder was found guilty of a speeding offence in Surrey but stressed he would use his court experience to break a series of laws on Merseyside and give plenty of cheek to the local ‘bizzies’.
Cole said: “It’s a real change of pace since my London days, where I’d be upping knees all day long in between bouts of thinking the Krays were a smashing set of blokes.
“But I definitely made the right decision in coming to Liverpool rather than Manchester, as walking around like a gibbon with a baffling sense of superiority does sound a bit knackering.”
Liverpoologist Tom Logan said: “Cole will have to be careful as the Scouser is an easily-agitated creature who will aggressively defend its habitat for fucking hours on end.
“The easiest way to gain its trust is to say how great ‘The Fabs’ were and pretend to enjoy its humour. If that fails then you must immediately give it something known as a ‘bifter’.”
Cole will now complete his Anfield initiation by rolling around in Jamie Carragher’s unwashed kit to pick up the scent of Liverpool before starting a pub fight for a reason that has been drawn from a hat.
He added: “The driving offence is a good start but I don’t think I’ll feel as if I truly belong here until I’ve stolen a packet of value-brand sausages.”