Eboué puts his feet up and reads paper

ARSENE Wenger has been warned by his last remaining player, Emmanuelle Eboué, that he never, ever plans to leave.

Equally good on eggs or grass

As everybody else in the squad expressed their desire to play anywhere else in the world that isn’t Arsenal, the Ivorian football-avoider told his manager that he would need a court injunction to stop him turning up for training for the next fifty years.

Wenger said “Not many people know that our move to the Emirates Stadium was just an elaborate attempt to give Emmanuel the slip, but he found out where we were hiding when chasing after a clearance he’d shanked out of Highbury during a practice match with himself.

“He admitted he hadn’t noticed that nobody else was around, just assuming that the fact he was sedately strolling up and down the wing without sight of another player or the ball meant it was just another training session.”

The nominally-speaking defender was signed by Wenger in 2005 after he won a bet with fellow manager José Mourinho to see who could find the least useful thing to put onto a football pitch, with Mourinho’s suggestion of ‘A thin coating of Hollandaise sauce” coming second.

Since then he has endeared himself to Arsenal fans by spending the majority of his time during matches by wandering around the stands signing autographs and asking them whether they’ve read any good books recently.

Eboué said “Fabregas wants to join his boyhood club, Nasri wants to win trophies and Bendtner wants to find a club that’s prepared to erect a statue of him outside the ground that depicts Einstein and Da Vinci sat at his feet in rapt attention of his godlike genius.

“But I’m quite happy to potter around here for the foreseeable future and earn more money than the staff of an A&E ward per week for occasionally redirecting a ball, if it’s all the same to everyone.”