England demands its own word for 'schadenfreude'

AMID unprecedented levels of schadenfreude, England said it is now time it had its own word for it.

As teams people hate lost badly, fans have agreed to come together and devise a proper English term that captures the sheer intensity of malicious sporting glee.

Early suggestions include ‘badhappy’, ‘fergendipity’ and ‘fuckyoument’ (‘when the sixth goal went in I was overcome with fuckyoument’).

Meanwhile Scottish people have suggested the word ‘Scottish’.

Yesterday’s festival of fuckyoument began mid-morning when France was beaten in a rugby world cup final that England had no hope of reaching and climaxed when millions experienced the dirty thrill of cheering on Joey Barton.

Sportologist Wayne Hayes said: “When Chris Foy started waving his yellow card at the Chelsea players like a Manchester United fan trying to hail a cab outside Old Trafford, I really did fear I was going to wank myself unconscious.”

Experts at the Institute for Studies have produced a seismic timeline after measuring yesterday’s events with their schadenfreudometer.

0900: France try to out-stare the New Zealand haka but just look like 15 veal calves staring at a stun gun. Everyone giggles a bit.

1030: New Zealand somehow manage to choke in the final of a major tournament yet again but still beat France. Commemorative garments are ordered.

1353: Manchester United concede a goal to a man unable to not burn his own house down.

1432: Jonny Evans. The English Defence League releases a statement announcing its immediate disbanding, claiming that a country where stuff like this happens can’t be too bad after all.

1514: Dzeko scores a goal by mistake. Millions see Alex Ferguson chewing gum so furiously he appears to be beating it up in his mouth. Mobile phone networks go into meltdown with people texting ‘Aaaaaaaaah!’ to everybody in their contacts list.

1610: Chelsea’s David Luiz concedes a penalty after acting like a pensioner trying to get to the front of a bus queue. England holds its sides and asks the television to please stop.

1707: England get another one-day hammering from India, but the nation barely notices as John Terry is currently looking like a little boy who’s just had his PS3 confiscated by a massive, lesbian gym teacher.

1745: With seven Chelsea players booked and two sent off, QPR manage to beat them with a squad costing roughly the same as Fernando Torres’ smallest eye lash.

1800: Oxford English Dictionary confirms spent, gleeful nation must now have its own word for what has just happened.

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Ecstatic Libyans still trying to get story straight

COLONEL Gaddafi may have been killed by a bullet that entered a part of his body, the new Libyan government has confirmed.

The National Transitional Council said the dictator was dragged from a big pipe and then some stuff happened but, hey, he’s dead so let’s all move on and talk about freedom.

A spokesman said: “Oh, I don’t know, there was a lot of shouting. Someone, or something, may have been shot, possibly in the head. Or maybe in his tyrannical midriff, like the bastard son of a bitch he was. And then a van drew up.

“Somebody, or something, was then put in, you know… the van.

“Oh sure, they may have accidentally dropped it, or him, in the process – all-out civil war can lead to having very sweaty hands – and then he, or it, may, or may not, have been dragged, for a very short period of time, while they tried to get it, or him, into the back of said van.

“Then, because the roads are a bit bumpy, what with the all-out civil war and everything, the jiggling of the van made him, or it, die.

“Okay so, anyway, freedom’s really brilliant, isn’t it? We’re the same as you now. Aren’t we?”

But the United Nations and the governments who helped him, or it, die, stressed they would like a bit more detail just so they could be absolutely certain that Libya was not still completely out of its mind.

A Downing Street spokesman said: “Oh, I’m sure it will all be just fine. Freedom’s really brilliant isn’t it?


Meanwhile, former prime minister Tony Blair has urged the new Libyan regime to release Gaddafi’s body and arrange a funeral as soon as possible as he has a lunch with Goldman Sachs next week and he needs to finalise his diary.