England expected to find cancer cure by January

THE England team is now expected to eradicate all disease over the next three months, it has been confirmed.

After the 1-0 win over Spain the training ground has been surrounded by parents hurling their sick children over the fence so Glen Johnson can cure them by shanking the child straight back over.

Fabio Capello said: “We’re trying to keep their feet on the ground by pointing out that if Spain had been even slightly arsed, Joe Hart would have had to handle more balls than a recently-evicted X Factor contestant negotiating a record deal.

“I asked John Terry to have a word with them but he just looked at me with a beatific smile and said that he defends in a mysterious way, his wonders to perform, before saying he forgives me for doubting him.

“I fucking hate this job.”

Wayne Hayes, a trumpet-playing arsehole with the England Supporter’s Band, has had a picture of Phil Jagielka tattooed onto his spine to treat his long-standing lumbago and has asked his GP to  give him a prescription for a white nylon shirt from JD Sports.

He has also called on the Vatican to consider making Wembley Stadium an alternative to Lourdes for people who might want their terminal illness cured while watching Bon Jovi.

Hayes said: “I used to think the England team were a motley collection of talentless egos united by a nominal geographic location but after shading a meaningless contest against uninterested opposition I’ll now be amazed if we don’t live forever.”


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Monti pledges to deskankify Italian politics

ITALY’S new prime minister has begun the deskankification of the country’s politics.

Within minutes of his appointment Mario Monti, a famous technocrat, warned that Italy was in need of an emergency slapperectomy.

He said: “I ask for your patience and your support as I begin the historic task of unbungarisation.

“I may be a humble technocrat but that does not mean I have never lusted after a nubile young hostess, her stunning boobs perched so high on her chest she needs a chin guard.

“It does not mean I have never pictured her dancing for me and lashing my face with her long, dark ponytail while I jam a fistful of euros into her g-string.

“It does not mean that I have never dreamt of being led by my tie into a boudoir where she and two of her friends show me the true meaning of public service.

“Anyway, we’ll be having no more of that, thank you very much indeed.”

Monti added: “These young women will have to put on some clothes, go to secretarial college and get themselves proper jobs.

“The party is over. It’s time to put on a pair of spectacles, cross their long, silky legs and take dictation – that’s if they can keep that pencil out of their mouth for five minutes.”

Julian Cook, chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “I don’t think this is going to work.”