England rugby team perform intimidating pre-match ritual of making lovely cup of tea

THE England rugby team will intimidate the Springboks in the World Cup final by performing a terrifying tea-making ritual on the pitch. 

The team captain, Owen Farrell, will begin the ceremony by breaking off small talk and asking if any of the players want a brew, which will be greeted with enthusiastic assent.

He will then go around the team individually while they chant their choices in language incomprehensible to outsiders – ‘no sugar in mine’ ‘I have four, like a builder and ‘so strong the spoon stands up in it’ – before putting the kettle on.

A selection of mismatched mugs will then be lined up, baffling the orderly South Africans with their array of slogans and the nonsensical size of the Sports Direct one, before the hot water is poured and stirring commences.

The team will then stand on the halfway line, each take a sip, pronounce it a ‘lovely cuppa’ and then leave it on the sidelines to go cold.

It is expected that the South African side, confused, demoralised and reminded of their defeat in the Boer War, will then lose the game 76-0.

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Five times you don't have to hold hands, you loved-up twats

WE get it, you’re in love and want to hold hands – but do you have to block the pavements with your affection? Here are some situations where you should definitely desist.

Every time you walk down the street

You’re a couple, not conjoined twins. By holding hands so persistently, you’re creating an annoying obstacle and stopping other people getting on with their lives. They might need to get to a place called ‘work’ or even a date so that they can be as nauseatingly loved-up as you. 

On the Tube

Snuggling on the Tube is particularly verboten. As well as your hand-holding you’re probably kissing and cuddling, and you’re so close to other people you may as well be doing it to them too. Did you ask for their consent? No. Try not touching each other for the whole two minutes until your stop. 

The supermarket

Please don’t hold hands or link little fingers so you collectively have the wingspan of the entire deli counter. We already know that after your shop you’re going to devour a lovingly-crafted pancake stack before having passionate sex. It’s really not fair on the rest of us buying value toilet cleaner and ready meals for one.

When you feel like frolicking in public

In public spaces, do not do that thing where you hold hands and then stretch apart from each other as far as possible as if it’s a playground game. Maybe try weaning yourself off constantly holding hands in the privacy of your own home, or just stop being horrible show-offs.

In front of a single friend

You’ve finally bothered to invite a single friend out for a drink, as if they’re human too. Try building on that by occasionally interacting with them instead of incessantly touching your partner. Your loved one isn’t some sort of human Tamagotchi who will die if they don’t get a certain number of strokes per minute.