THE England rugby team will intimidate the Springboks in the World Cup final by performing a terrifying tea-making ritual on the pitch.
The team captain, Owen Farrell, will begin the ceremony by breaking off small talk and asking if any of the players want a brew, which will be greeted with enthusiastic assent.
He will then go around the team individually while they chant their choices in language incomprehensible to outsiders – ‘no sugar in mine’ ‘I have four, like a builder and ‘so strong the spoon stands up in it’ – before putting the kettle on.
A selection of mismatched mugs will then be lined up, baffling the orderly South Africans with their array of slogans and the nonsensical size of the Sports Direct one, before the hot water is poured and stirring commences.
The team will then stand on the halfway line, each take a sip, pronounce it a ‘lovely cuppa’ and then leave it on the sidelines to go cold.
It is expected that the South African side, confused, demoralised and reminded of their defeat in the Boer War, will then lose the game 76-0.