England’s goalscoring experiment unsettles fans

ENGLAND fans have questioned whether it is really necessary for the team to score goals to win matches.

The revolutionary change in tactics for the win over Switzerland left many followers feeling that something important has been neglected.

Fan Stephen Malley said: “It seemed to work, in that by shooting at the goal we were able to get the ball in the goal, which allowed us to win the match.

“But my heart was racing, adrenalin was pumping through my body and every time we scored I involuntarily stood up and shouted. You can’t tell me that’s healthy.”

Joseph Turner of Stevenage agreed: “It wasn’t like watching England at all.

“What happened to the gentleman’s way of grinding out 0-0 draws and eventually narrowly qualifying because Slovenia have scored one more than Estonia?”


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Line for Apple Watch girdles Earth

THE queue for the new Apple Watch has already circled the entire globe once and is still growing.

The line, which began on stage behind Apple CEO Tim Cook before he had finished his presentation, stretches 25,000 miles and contains an estimated 18,750,000 people, all of who believe that having the watch will really set them apart from the crowd.

Before Cook introduced U2 the queue already included the entire population of California and was extending, via homemade rafts, into the Pacific Ocean where it would shortly meet a similar line coming from Japan.

Tech blogger Francesca Johnson said: “I can’t believe I’m only 14,383,221 in line for the Apple Watch.

“Yes I’m a bit hungry, but a guy up ahead in Mongolia’s going out for breakfast and we’ve agreed to save his place if he brings a couple of million croissants back.”

The queue has so far mainly been peaceful, apart from the war between China and North Korea after Kim Jong-Un tried to push in.