'Entente Amicale' Called Off After Bastard French Win In Paris

PRESIDENT Nicolas Sarkozy was thrown out of Britain last night and told to stick his Anglo-French brotherhood up his arse, after England lost 1-0 to France.

The president, and his unbelievably hot wife, had earlier received a standing ovation at the Palace of Westminster as members of the Commons and the Lords hailed his new approach to cross-Channel relations and his wife's magnificent legs.

Later, at Windsor Castle, the Queen congratulated the President while the Duke of Edinburgh performed his official duty of grabbing Madame Sarkozy around the knees, before being dragged away by the Grenadier Guards.

But the new spirit of friendship was destroyed just hours later as France eased to victory and the Sarkozys were ordered from their beds and shoved onto the late bus to Folkestone.
Foreign secretary David Milliband said: "Don't tell me you want be my best friend and then send my keeper the wrong way, you greasy shit.

"Typical bastard French isn't it? Coming over here with their just unbelievably sexy wives, giving it the 'kissy-kissy' and the 'ooh la la'.

"If you are going to rub our noses in your wife's exquisite chest, you could at least let us win the actual game."

Mr Milliband added: "I'm not too chuffed with the bastard Italians either."

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Ministers Defend Treatment Of Worthless Foreign Scroungers

THE government has rejected claims that Britain mistreats the thousands of whining, dishonest foreigners who wash up on our shores every year like so much rubbish.

The asylum system has come under attack from a senior judge who is no doubt having an affair with one of these grasping ne'er-do-wells.

Sir John Waite's report said the UK had abused the hordes of unwashed thieves by not giving them fluffy pillows, a mug of hot chocolate and a bedtime story before sending them back to whatever hell-hole they climbed out of.

But Jacqui Smith, the home secretary, said: "So what if they get a clip round the ear and a cold Pot Noodle?

"They're dirty foreign types who just want to steal our hospital beds and move into my garden."
The report also accused the immigration service of refusing to serve afternoon tea in detention centres and failing to compliment these la-di-da refugees on their choice of rags.

The home secretary added: ""What's wrong with their own countries? I've been to Somalia. The scenery is beautiful and Mogadishu simply oozes rustic charm.

"And anyway, I thought you wanted us to treat them like shit?"