FA Cup committee takes all night to pick a starter

THE people responsible for drawing the FA Cup third round took four hours to order starters in a restaurant, it has emerged.

Just fucking get on with it

After concluding the draw, the 71 clubs involved decamped to the nearby Imperial Garden, where FA officials spent upwards of fifty minutes deciding whether to order individually for everyone, or to go for a selection of sharing platters.

Onlooker Emma Bradford said: “They said how excited they were to be here and how it was a truly historic occasion, and how you couldn’t rush things like choosing platters.

“Alan Shearer read out the names of the rice dishes for about half an hour, and then Mark Chapman got his phone out and they looked at a montage of stir-frys they’d had in previous years.”

Hull City manager Steve Bruce said: “Eventually Shearer closed his eyes and just pointed at things randomly, which is how I ended up with a trio of sorbets.”

“I was hoping for the pork dumplings, but I’m just glad to have avoided the crispy duck’s head.”

The big winners on the night were Gateshead, who got the glamorous pan-fried matsutake mushrooms, while Accrington Stanley and Yeovil battled it out for a shot at the bird’s nest soup.

Accrington captain Luke Joyce said: “I think I speak for all the lads when I say we’re about to die of hunger, thirst and boredom.”

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I tried to breastfeed Richard Hammond for a solid week

Dear Holly,

I’m sick and tired of the breastfeeding Mafia putting so much pressure on everyone. Fair enough if it works for you, but don’t make us feel guilty if we can’t do it. I tried to breastfeed Richard Hammond for a solid week until my nipples were cracked and bleeding, and the poor wee guy was starving so I had no option but to bottle-feed him in the end. The dreadful feelings of guilt remain with me every day.

Jeremy Clarkson


Dear Jeremy,

I’m not going to ask what breastfeeding is because it sounds pretty gross, and is probably another one of those horrors lined up for when I’m grown up, along with taxes, childbirth and designing an IKEA kitchen.

Hope that helps!