Queen to let Prince Philip do the speech

THE Queen is to let Prince Philip deliver the Christmas speech, mainly just to see what will happen.

A palace spokesman said: “She’s at the age where she’s thinking, fuck it, I am tired of mouthing empty mechanical platitudes and would rather be doing something with horses.

“She knows that if she hands Philip the task then at least it won’t be boring. If it means the end of the monarchy then so be it, it’s not like there’s a decent heir anyway.”

Prince Philip has been briefed to avoid topics including bongos, rain dances, bare breasts, spears, cannibalism, women in general, infant obesity, the Scottish, the Welsh, the Irish and the rest of the world. 

Prince Charles had volunteered to take his Mother’s place but the Queen dismissed the idea as “so ridiculous as to be unfunny”.

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Dads to spend Christmas hiding in toilet

FATHERS have confirmed their plans to spent long periods of the festive season in the lavatory.

Father-of-three Tom Logan said: “There will be my cousin bragging about his new car, the overpowering stench of my teenage nephew’s Lynx Africa and the saccharine sounds of the Michael Buble CD that is ‘just a bit of fun’.

“If it wasn’t for the thought of those 20-30 minutes locked in the loo on Christmas Day with a book of Larson cartoons, I’d kick a policeman just so I could go to jail until the New Year.

“I am the old silverback gorilla driven into a remote forest grove by the arrival of raucous and barbaric chimps. But in the toilet.”

Martin Bishop of Bristol said: “I’ve been telling everybody dried fruit disagrees with me.

“It’s totally untrue, but after the Christmas pudding I rush off before anyone can get me involved in Pictionary or a conversation about how Farage talks a lot of sense.’

“I used to be able to enter a quiet inner world by doing marathon sessions of washing up, but the dishwasher put paid to that. Now the lavatory offers the only respite from the horror. I wish I had a dog I could take out.”