Man City unveils lair

MANCHESTER City FC has revealed the heavily armed £200m lair from which it will conquer the world.

The Premier League champions’ new headquarters is buried into the side of a mountain and does not appear on any map. It boasts a 32-room hotel, a hydrotherapy complex and a war room linked to satellite guided missiles capable of destroying large swathes of the planet.

A spokesman said: “We are all very excited by this new facility which we believe will give us the edge over rival clubs and most of the world’s armies. With this complex we aim to win domestic and European titles or to enslave the planet, whichever is quicker.”

Malley revealed that a missile was already trained on the city of Rome, just in case City’s Champions League clash goes awry, but weekend opponents Leicester had not shown up on its GPS.

The groundbreaking facility also contains everything necessary to nurture young footballers, who will be produced by a giant conveyor belt using parts of forgotten second string players.

The spokesman added: “When we get to full functionality Manchester City will be producing 100 new players every day. By 2020 we intend to have a squad of over 100,000 players, 99,980 of whom will be on loan.”

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
It’s perfectly possible to feed a young family with fresh, healthy produce for less money than it would cost to buy processed food. But as you’ve correctly identified, they are after all only kids, so fuck them.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
No word on your novel about a dystopian future where every email and Facebook written in drunken spite then deleted is simultaneously sent.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
“Divorced, divorced, divorced. Divorced, divorced, divorced.” – A handy rhyme for remembering Jerry Lee Lewis’ six wives.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your granddad died doing what he loved best. Taking paracetamol.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You’re a massive science fiction fan but even you will admit the new Terminator Genisys trailer looks fuckyng abismal.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Amazon wishlists are really handy for Christmas gift shopping but none of your friends seem to have ‘a half of lager’ on theirs.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Controversy this week as you’re accused of getting a ghost-writer in to scrawl those messages on the wall of the ladies’ toilet.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Cling film – not just a kitchen accessory but a description of the home movie you made with your overly-needy partner.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This Thursday you’re kicked out of your kid’s nativity play for accusing a donkey of trying to pull focus from your child’s performance as a shepherd.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Why not make sure the staff Christmas party is a great one this Friday by not going?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
On Saturday you complain to the hotel manager when staff whisper about the heat death of the cosmos and the absence of morality in a godless universe despite you having a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on your door.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
‘Tis the season to be jolly, falalalalaaalalaalalalaalalalaaaallllaaaaaaokay I’ve lost track now.