FA Cup romance turns to lust

THE FA plans to tone down the romance of the FA Cup after a fan broke into Wembley Stadium and made love to the trophy.

Unemployed joiner Stephen Malley made his way to the display case where the cup is kept. After sharing a bottle of wine with the trophy, he initiated foreplay with football’s most alluring piece of silverware.

An FA spokesman said: “Security found Mr Malley with his trousers around his ankles, rubbing himself against the cup and groaning ‘Ronnie Radford’s 35-yard screamer against Newcastle in 1972… The Crazy Gang’s shock win in 1988… Sutton United versus Coventry in 1989…’

“When he began shouting ‘1923! White horse! 1923! White horse!’ we knew he was approaching climax and pulled him away.

“The romance of the cup is one thing. Carnal lust is quite another. We’ve had to send it away to be steam-cleaned.”

FA chief executive Alex Horne said: “We have done a great deal to make the FA Cup less desirable over the years, like letting Man United skip it for a holiday in Brazil and spreading the third round over six weeks.

“But in these pornographic times, it seems wiser to replace talk of romance with ‘cordial but ultimately platonic allure’ in order to prevent further sordid liasons.”

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World Economic Forum degenerates into money fight

DISCUSSIONS at the World Economic Forum have been derailed by world leaders throwing bundles of Euros and dollars at each other.

The world’s leading economists traveled to Switzerland in single-seater private jets to discuss fiscal responsibility while eating beluga caviar from the heads of wild orchids.

But Christine Lagarde, the head of the International Monetary Fund, had barely started her opening speech before taking a wedge of high-denomination banknotes full in the face, to widespread laughter.

She retaliated with a sheaf of gilt-edged bonds, which went all over Canadian prime minister Stephen Harper, and within seconds the room had erupted into a full-blown money fight.

Economist Tom Logan said: “It was wild, like an indoor blizzard of cash. I must’ve swallowed at least $500 just trying to breathe.

“I managed to catch Bill Gates across the back of the head with a sack of South African rand, but he just turned around and felled me with a fistful of gold-backed securities.”

After the fight, the executive director of Oxfam delivered a speech on financial inequality after tactfully brushing the annual GDP of Malawi off her seat.

Waiters at the event have reported that they were tipped exactly 12.5 per cent by guests.