Fan fury as footballer looks up while being abused

THE Football Supporters’ Association has complained after a player made eye contact during a chant about his whore mother.

The unnamed Premier League player, who is believed not to play for Manchester United because why would the crowd kick someone who was already down, is accused of provoking a riot by noticing the concerted abuse.

Fan Tom Logan said: “It is simply irresponsible for a highly-paid professional to taunt fans by deliberately hearing accusations that his mum does it for fags with sailors.

“By casting his eyes across the crowd he as good as tore up those seats and threw them at police himself, and should be charged accordingly.”

The controversial glance follows an incident where a top-level player was hit by a sharpened coin and blatantly displayed his bleeding wound to the crowd, for which he was fined £265,000 and banned for three games.

An FSA spokesman said: “”Footballers earn millions of pounds every year from us, the fans.

““In return, all we ask is that they play brilliantly, never go out, remain utterly loyal until unceremoniously ditched, be perfect role models and soak up all the abuse that we throw at them. And their wives. And their pets.””


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

The farmer's guide to voting for Brexit then being a dick about it

ARE you a farmer who fervently supported Brexit but now realises you’re up shit creek? Here’s how to be a dick about it.

Demand special treatment

Insist the government protects you financially from the thing you just fucking voted for. If this sounds incredibly stupid, like shooting your dog then wondering why it doesn’t bark at intruders, that’s because it is.  

Dump a load of manure somewhere

Load a trailer with manure and dump it outside your local town hall. Don’t worry that they’re totally powerless over Brexit and you’ve just made it doubly unpleasant to visit the housing benefit office. You didn’t bother with research before the referendum.

Take down your ‘Vote Leave’ sign

Sneak into a field at night and remove your huge ‘Vote Leave’ sign, although frankly it’s a bit late because every passing Remainer has already muttered ‘bloody idiot farmers’.

Think of a good excuse for being thick

Cheap food imports, EU farming subsidies, tariffs on farm produce – these are all things people who grow food and animals for a living might reasonably be expected to have heard of.

Think up a farm-related excuse for your stupidity – farmers work so hard they don’t have time for any form of media, or maybe a cow trod on your head.

Blame the National Farmers’ Union

Actually the NFU strongly opposed Brexit, but perhaps they should have come round personally and shouted in your ruddy face with a megaphone until you finally got the message.

Take it out on townies

Relieve your Brexit stress by intimidating ramblers, ideally while cradling a shotgun. Those retired English teachers were probably planning to steal diesel anyway.