FOOTBALL fans have decided exactly how everything in their lives will develop over the next nine months.
Entire narratives, life-changing events and even romantic liaisons have all been assumed from the first 90 minutes of football played so far.
Footballologist Wayne Hayes said: “Based on yesterday’s game Stoke fans will assume life will be dreary, uneventful with occasional moments of breathtaking unfairness which, living in Stoke, seems likely.
“But Liverpool fans, based on the same game, will see themselves mooching around not doing very much before stealing something with a few minutes to spare. Which, well… yes.”
Hayes added: “Like a butterfly beating its wings and causing a typhoon halfway round the world, some overpaid arsehole missing a sitter might mean an absolutely shit January.”
The carefully crafted personal storylines will be discarded and rewritten following next weekend’s matches, to be replaced with a whole new set of fears, catastrophes and, in the case of Sunderland fans, screaming constantly into a pillow.