FIFA’s ball confiscated

THE ball used for the World Cup has been confiscated.

Police investigating corruption charges swooped on FIFA officials in a Zurich hotel, arresting them and taking their ball to lock away in a cupboard.

A Swiss police spokesman said: “They can have it back when it’s all cleared up.

“We’re not stealing it or anything. Frankly we’re not even into football.”

A FIFA spokesman said: “Without a ball, international football cannot continue. It seems like they’re punishing everyone which is hardly fair.

“They should have let us keep the ball while all this is sorted out.

“If we find out they’ve been using it at lunchtimes there will be consequences.”

Football fan Stephen Malley said: “It’ll be impossible for FIFA to borrow a replacement ball because once you’ve had one confiscated, whether through punting it into an old lady’s garden or because of a massive international corruption scandal, nobody trusts you.

“I’m not lending them mine, it’s a good one I bought out of a catalogue.”

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Qatar still the home of football, says Blatter

FIFA president Sepp Blatter has confirmed that Qatar remains the birthplace of football and no investigation will change that.

Criminal charges against senior FIFA officials, and investigations into the 2018 and 2022 World Cup bids, will not have any effect on Qatar’s proud history as the mother of the beautiful game.

Blatter said: “Every since Yusuf al-Webb Ellis first kicked a ball, made from an inflated camel’s bladder, between two sand dunes in 1320 the Qatari nation has been football mad.

“So many moments of Qatar’s history are footballing ones; the Bin Matthews final of 1953, the benevolent rule of Emir Pelé under which the country gained independence, and of course the 1966 World Cup win against the United Arab Emirates.

“Who can forget the famous commentary, ‘Some of the crowd are on the pitch, they will be flogged and their wives will be flogged and they will die like dogs. It is over for them now.’”

Blatter confirmed that the 2022 World Cup, which will take place in Qatar’s green and pleasant valleys which are currently off-limits to journalists, will take place as planned.

He added: “And I will still be president. Or there will be no more football. It is your choice.”