Football fans celebrate Arsenal Opinion Day

FOOTBALL fans around the country are marking the day of the year when they say that Arsenal ‘must finally deliver’.

The annual event sees thousands of fans across the country re-use the same opinion they have had about Arsene Wenger’s squad since 2010.

Tom Logan, from Nottingham, said: “For all its talent, a leader in the mould of Tony Adams or Patrick Vieira is still missing.”

Amid applause from friends and family, he added: “Thanks, it’s great to be able to dust off that old favourite again.”

Janet Fisher, from Stevenage, said: “While Ozil’s style is pleasing on the eye, doubts about his effectiveness in the English game have yet to be answered. I said that about Jose Antonio Reyes and a few more whose names I can’t remember.”

Meanwhile, Roy Hobbs, from Peterborough, cleared his throat and announced: “Though they will thrill the purists once again, I believe Wenger’s reluctance to sign an out-and-out goal scorer may ultimately prove costly.

“Boom! Five years in a row. That feels good.”

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Police relying on karma to punish criminals

CRIMINALS do not need to be caught because their bad karma will catch up with them, according to the police.

Officers will no longer be attending burglaries, or indeed any crime, because they believe that misdeeds will inevitably return to haunt the perpetrator either in this life or in future lives.

A police spokesman said: “It’s a new spiritual direction we call ‘cosmic policing’.

“If you get home to find your house has been robbed and your stuff is all smashed up, do not call us. There would be no purpose to that course of action.

“Whoever did the crime will meet some mishap that precisely compensates for their misdeed.

“Perhaps in twenty years’ time they will fall off a kerb and break their leg, or in their next incarnation they will be born with a limp.

“The universe is your policeman, and our police stations should be quiet places of meditation, tea drinking and Netflix watching.”

Householder Mary Fisher said: “When we got burgled I went to the station and the policeman told to me to inhale and exhale deeply, and that when the bell chimed I would no longer be angry.

“Then his colleague nicked me for having slightly out-of-date car tax.”