Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Given that the Fire Brigade puts out fires, surely the PC Brigade would put out political correctness? 

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This week you will convince your work colleague that Uma Thurman was so-called because the vicar stubbed his Thurman at the christening.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You’re so terrified of Christmas people have started calling you Noel Coward.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Spending all day biddy-biddy-bomming shows a lack of imagination for a rich man. If you were ever a rich man you will pay somebody else to biddy-biddy-bom.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Don’t let the little things bother you this week, although you might want to start calling your kids by their actual names.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Friday night sees a blackout, meaning you’ll have to light some candles. Although given how you usually use candles on a Friday night, you’ll have to dry them out first.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
A night out at the theatre at the weekend provides you with a treat, dipping all the wallets in the cloakroom.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Today you will be arrested for conspiracy to pervert the course of justice by painting the road outside your local court with penis art.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
You’re not the kind of person to seek revenge, given how rarely you let anyone who has even vaguely slighted you live.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
An awkward moment tomorrow as you see your ex while out on a date. Fortunately, your date’s spectacularly misjudged haircut is so striking, the ex doesn’t even notice you.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You won’t hear a bad word said against your mother, not until you’ve finished slagging her off.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
No left turns. Like a 1970s Conservative Club cabaret.

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Richard Littlejohn in S & M relationship with binmen

DAILY Mail columnist Richard Littlejohn is in a sadomasochistic master-slave relationship with his binmen, he has admitted.

The journalist described the work of rubbish collection operatives as ‘a perversion of public service’ and ‘so freaking hot’.

Binman Bill McKay say: “As soon as we turn the corner to his street we see him, lashed to the bin in that gimp suit he’s made out of black plastic bags and insulation tape.

“He’s breathless waiting for us to see what he’s done wrong – bin lids not closed, glass in the plastics container, not rinsing his milk bottles – then it’s up to us to find yet another bloody way of humiliating him.

“Usually we end up with him upside down in one of the bins, surrounded in rubbish, screaming something about how this would never have happened in the 1950s as he rubs himself with discarded Kraft cheese wrappers. You couldn’t make it up.”

McKay added that they do at least get a generous Christmas tip from Littlejohn, unlike at Polly Toynbee’s house next door where she tells them if they want more money they should negotiate through their union.