Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Given that the Fire Brigade puts out fires, surely the PC Brigade would put out political correctness?
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This week you will convince your work colleague that Uma Thurman was so-called because the vicar stubbed his Thurman at the christening.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You’re so terrified of Christmas people have started calling you Noel Coward.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Spending all day biddy-biddy-bomming shows a lack of imagination for a rich man. If you were ever a rich man you will pay somebody else to biddy-biddy-bom.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Don’t let the little things bother you this week, although you might want to start calling your kids by their actual names.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Friday night sees a blackout, meaning you’ll have to light some candles. Although given how you usually use candles on a Friday night, you’ll have to dry them out first.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
A night out at the theatre at the weekend provides you with a treat, dipping all the wallets in the cloakroom.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Today you will be arrested for conspiracy to pervert the course of justice by painting the road outside your local court with penis art.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
You’re not the kind of person to seek revenge, given how rarely you let anyone who has even vaguely slighted you live.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
An awkward moment tomorrow as you see your ex while out on a date. Fortunately, your date’s spectacularly misjudged haircut is so striking, the ex doesn’t even notice you.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You won’t hear a bad word said against your mother, not until you’ve finished slagging her off.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
No left turns. Like a 1970s Conservative Club cabaret.