Football not enjoyable without merchandise, says UEFA

FOOTBALL fans will not enjoy Euro 2016 unless they own the official soft toys, pens and collectable stickers, UEFA has claimed.

The governing body said supporters should avoid disappointment by buying any product with an official logo on it, no matter how unrelated to football it might appear.

A UEFA spokesman said: “If England were to beat Germany five-nil, realising you don’t own a sealable Euro 2016 plastic drinking cup could easily ruin this historic moment.  

“Alternatively, if England get knocked out humiliatingly after a lacklustre performance against Slovakia, as is more likely, you’ll definitely need a Euro 2016 plush teddy bear to hug while you sob.

“If you invite friends over to watch a game but haven’t got an official biro you won’t be able to make a shopping list with ‘beer’ on it and the evening will be ruined.

“And you won’t know who any of the players are unless you’ve completed your Figurine Panini sticker album. It will probably become a valuable historical document in the future, like the Magna Carta.”

Football fan Wayne Hayes said: “I’d kick myself if England make it to the final and Rooney is playing badly because he’s sad that not many people bought his bobblehead.”

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London flat invisible to the naked eye

A FLAT in London is affordable due to being visible only with a microscope, it has emerged.

Property developer Martin Bishop says the small size of the studio flat is unlikely to deter tenants with access to a shrinking ray, due to the bargain rent of just £585 per month.

Bishop said: “Using nanotechnology the property has been fitted with all mod cons including a power shower and dishwasher, although you do have to fold the bed away if you want to use the lounge area.

“The flat would suit a single young professional who doesn’t spend a lot of time at home. The local restaurants are excellent so you’ll probably be eating out anyway.

“The flat does have one drawback and that’s not having a parking space, but if you don’t own a car there’s no problem.”

Trainee accountant Tom Logan said: “I just viewed it with an 80x microscope and if you want a no-frills place to eat and sleep it’s the logical solution to sky-high rents. I’ve pretty much convinced myself that it’s my dream home.

“I looked at a maisonette the size of a proton yesterday but it didn’t have the ‘wow’ factor.”